Day 182

Tuesday February 15, 2011

Our night was wretched!!! Although Todd slept (ha! there was do damn sleeping!!!) with Nina, Yvonne and I lay wide awake in the bedroom, a few dozen feet away but close enough to hear every single moan, toss, plea for comfort!!!

Each plea for comfort that Nina made, was like being stabbed through the heart with a billion fiery rusty nails. She needed comfort. I needed comfort.

As soon as I dropped off Teddy boy, I cried for a very long time. I sobbed and wailed and cursed the doom that had now parked itself overhead. Then, with strength regained, I started my rampage of calls to doctors. I spoke to the Marbans and Dr. Greenfield for what seemed like an eternity trying to figure out how to alleviate my precious Nina. What seemed like an eternity was not very long at all. Eventually the team decided oxycodone would be the right medication to help alleviate Nina's pain.

Nina's pain!!!! Those are two words no parent should ever have to utter!!!! Sure our kids get cuts and scraps and bruises but genuine pain....no child should have to go through agonizing pain and that is what Nina is precisely going through....agonizing pain!

My mind easily slips. I think of something and then the next second it is gone. I have to fight it from going to horror of Nina's pain. Letting myself go there is of no use.....nothing gets accomplished there. But if I pull myself together, if I can make myself think, if I can secure myself....then I can do something....even if it is the smallest of somethings. As my mind raced and I fought myself for dominion, the oncology office called me to say that I needed to pick up the written prescription and hand deliver to the pharmacy. I raced over there and was back on the freeway in no time. As I took the exit to the pharmacy I cop flashed his lights to me. Damn it!!!!! I was on the phone!!!!!!!!!!!! Perfect!!!!!! My morning was a fucking nightmare and now I was going to get a ticket.

As it turns out, I didn't get a ticket. Officer Robles came to my window and asked me if my call was very important. I turned and said that if was, that my almost 6 year old daughter was home dying from a brain tumor and had been in pain for two days and that I had been talking to doctors about how to help her. The man practically turned white. He gave me his lamentations and then added that he had first pulled me over because of the massive crack on my windshield. I apologized and said we'd get it fixed. Eventually, he forgave my indiscretions and sent me on my merry way. Who says cops don't have hearts?!?!

I called Yvonne and told her I had gotten pulled over. Just the day before, I had asked her to help me get it replaced but she informed me that Todd had told her to stop and that we should wait until I got pulled over and got a fix-it ticket!!! NICE!!!!!!

Although my morning was shitty, once I got the oxycodone, things slightly improved. First, Nina was elated to see me when I got home. She has been all about Todd these last couple of days and I am so grateful! Todd needs her to need him!

As soon as I saw my honey-girl all I could do was kiss her. As soon as my honey-girl saw me, all she could do was boss me around ;) She wanted Panda and wanted to go shopping for shoes and swim suites! I couldn't have thought of a better replacement behavior!!!!