Saturday, February 12, 2011

Day 168

Tuesday February 1, 2011

I woke up with my heart beating psychotically. I was light headed and winded. I lay quietly and tried to calm myself down. Once I did, I wrapped myself up in the blanket and just shivered. It was February 1st!!! When we first got the diagnosis, I didn't think we'd make it to the holidays but we had. Then a sense of complacency set in where I never forgot she was terminally ill but the gravity of it was pushed aside slightly. Furthermore, in the fall March seemed very far off. March had always been "the estimate", 7 months from diagnosis as a "best guess" for how much time we would have. was February 1st. That fucking sense of doom had seized me from my dreams and now it made March feel way too close.....way too close!!!!!!!!!

When Molly arrived I was relieved. How funny to say that about a puppy, but it is so true. I held her and hugged her. She is a wonderful replacement behavior for all of us! On our way to school, Teddy hugged Molly tightly. He petted her and she nibbled on his ear, practically hugging him. I could see how relaxed he was holding that little ball of white fluff. As we walked to his classroom, he reached over and took me by the hand. I looked over at him and smiled! I didn't want to make a big deal about him holding my hand because he'd probably let go. However, his simple gesture restored my heart to its proper place....being the best mom ever!

Nina and I spent the day together with Molly. The "girls" napped mid morning and then we did a little shopping. When we picked up Teddy, he jumped in and the car and immediately said, "Why Nina you are prettier than ever! Did you have a good day?" Nina laughed out loud. Nothing motivates her like her brother's words of love!!

Teddy's maturity and growth over the past 6 months is nothing less than astounding! In fact, my dad had commented on it during their last visit. Back at home, Teddy finished his homework without a single bit of attitude and actually thanked me :) He then helped Nina play Sponge Bob Wii for about 30 minutes before excusing himself to go play outside.

My day had started off terribly but I was determined to make it good. While shopping, Nina and I had picked up supplies for flank steak salad. Actually it's not my salad but Giada DeLaruentis' and it's always a hit. Shortly after 5 I started to grill the steak. Within a few minutes, Nina asked when dinner was being served :) It felt great to grill the steak, roast the red peppers, make the dressing. I felt "normal".

Dinner was a smash hit with everyone, especially Nina. Per usual, I fixed her a small plate to start off with while I finished assembling the rest. As I worked in the kitchen, Nina shouted out for me, "Mama, come here!" I told her I'd be right there. She shouted 2 more times within a second, each time more forcefully. As I walked up toward her I joked, "I'm scared Nina....are you gonna smack me?" She laughed as she took a bite of steak and said, "Thank you mama....the chicken beef is soooo yummy!! It's too yummy!" My heart melted and I kissed her sweet face!

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