Day 93

Thursday November 18, 2010

I suppose the heaviness I felt the last couple of days had to do with the task I had at hand. Ever since I had returned from Cedars in August, I recognized that there was a high probability that we were going to be asked to send Nina to Heaven. I DO NOT want to do that but if I must, I want to do it in a way that will honor my precious daughter and honor her Heavenly Father!!! Because I know myself extremely well, I also recognized that I better prepare my shit ahead of time. By no means do I want to have to make any extremely hard and emotional decisions during my darkest hours. If we are taken down the path of darkness and separation, I want to be able to be fully present and not distracted by stupid planning and decisions.

Consequently, my precious friend Mendy and I have been planning and organizing. We had accomplished a ton while she had visited at the beginning of the month but now I had to actually go to places and talk to people. My plan was to visit the local mortuaries and cemeteries today and tomorrow and gather all the information we needed so that Todd and I could make some extremely hard decisions while our brains were still working. God had given me a ridiculous amount of strength but I question whether or not that will maintain if we are sent over the cliff. As such, I must take advantage of my current sanity.

So....after lunch, Larisa came over to babysit Nina. Nina was slightly annoyed at having me leave. She loves Larisa but the prospect of me going anywhere was not appealing so she did what she does best....she gave me the stink eye :) Fortunately, there were no tears, just a few whines. Nina's tears now a days are practically impossible to ignore! This time, she was merciful :)

I climbed into the car and just sat quietly for a few minutes. I knew I had to do what I was about to do but it felt surreal. I just kept shaking my head....thinking this must all be a terrible dream...but then again I knew it wasn't!! It was a terrible, nightmare of a reality!!! I took a deep breath and told myself to pull it together!! Just when I think I can't pull it together, God provides me strength, and I am able to finish.

I ended up driving to two mortuary homes. I found out that the cemetery is open 24 hrs/day but that it is only in operation Monday-Friday for actual burials. This reality threw a tiny bit of a wrench into my plan, but then again, who the hell cared!! This was NOT my plan!!! At 33, I should NOT be planning my 5 year old daughter's funeral!!! This is so WRONG!!!! But I have no choice!!!!!! I will NOT cease praying for a miracle but I must also plan for devastation!!!

Not sure what I am suppose to say about the mortuaries...they were nice????? What the hell am I suppose to say!!!!!! The two I saw were small and were downtown. Tomorrow I will go to another one in Goleta. As with most decisions in life.....it seems to boil down to parking!!!! Agghhhh!!!! These two sites had terrible parking options for the number of people who are going to be at our side. The fact that I am thinking about these details is insane!!! I have a massive headache.....but I don't want to imagine what it would feel like in the middle of destruction.

After the visiting the sites, I sat in my car and called my brother. I needed to get it out!! Bruno just listened and cried along with me. He is such a good man and he will be a wonderful father! He simply reminded me that he loved me and that he is continuing to pray for a miracle. This is means the world to me. I know that there are thousands of people praying for Nina that have really never prayed before. My hope is that through this precious girl, hearts will be softened towards God. There are no words that people can say to make anything better. Just loving us and praying for us is sufficient!!

By the time I got home, Todd was back with Teddy. I crawled up to Nina and just held onto her legs. She ignored me and continued to play Wii!! Teddy climbed onto my back and asked if he could go ride his motor-cross bike. I said yes. I want him to experience as much happiness as possible right now. I am the most fearful for him!!!!

I continued to hug Nina's legs for a long while. I wanted to just crash there...but she had a different idea, "Mama, I want to go buy ornaments with Teddy." That was all I needed :) Nina is full of great ideas!! I told her that she was brilliant and went out to inform Teddy. I thought Teddy might complain but he was excited. Teddy has a huge sentimental and sensitive side to him, one that I really want to cultivate because it will serve him well in adulthood. After playing outside for a bit more, he eagerly came in and finished homework without much fuss. We ate dinner (thank you Kellogg families!!!) and were ready for our Christmas ornament extravaganza!!!

Oooh...I want one like that too!" We spent almost an hour in that department, probably the single longest shopping of Teddy's existence :) Nina was beaming!!! Her two favorite things, Christmas and Teddy, all in one beautiful setting with an accompanying soundtrack! What more could a girl ask for??? How about Starbucks!

As I paid, Todd took the kids to Starbucks to get hot chocolates and a peppermint mocha for me. I joined them and for a tiny bit we sat under the twinkling outdoor lights. This was interrupted by Nina reminding us that we needed to go to Vons across the parking lot to buy cookies. Teddy heard the prompt and added that we also needed eggs because he was craving hard boiled eggs for his lunch snack :) It was a good end to our day!