Nina had another tough night. She was up from 3-5am. It wasn't as bad as the previous nights, especially since she had fallen asleep at 7pm. Nonetheless, what concerned me the most was not the "being up" in the middle of the night but that her sleep issues were symptomatic of troubles with the tumor. Troubles with the tumor??!?! What a stupid, asinine thing to say. As if "trouble" is not synonymous with the word tumor!! The kinds of things our minds do and mouths say! Bottom line, my biggest concern was that these increased problems with sleep mirrored the pattern of symptoms in August. I had this looming feeling growing. I decided to shove it back into the basement for the time being.
The problem (there are many!!! obviously!!) of living with chronic pain like we are, is that sometimes you forget that others around you also have sorrows, burdens, struggles. Today I was reminded of that and my heart broke for my precious friend. The pain my friend echoed to me reminded me of how horrible it feels to be "helpless"!! Sometimes, there is absolutely nothing we can do or say to bring comfort to a loved one! Absolutely nothing!! That is a terrible, excruciating feeling!!! Before Nina's illness, I would have been frantically tyring to figure out how to make the "unfixable" fixable for bring "comfort" to a situation where there is no possible comfort. Now, because of what I am personally going through with Nina I realize that sometimes there is absolutely nothing we can do....other than be present and available. Just "being there" is comforting!! It may not feel like that to the person trying to comfort the hurting friend, but because of what I am living, I can honestly say that it is! It is all that can be done and it IS enough!
I spent the late afternoon with the Marbans. It was fun playing with Cristina, although I kept calling her Nina. Aghhh! I have done that since August!! Never had prior to, but now I do it all the time! Sweetie Cristina just smiles at me when I do :) Just like I had earlier struggled with comforting my friend, I know all of our family members and friends struggle with comforting us. With the Marbans, just getting their hugs is comforting!
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| Cristina and I hiding in the bath tub during a fun game of Hide-N-Seek! |
By the time I got home, Nina was fast asleep but Teddy was wide awake :( He knew I wasn't happy!! I warned him about getting up in a grouchy mood the next day and then crawled up into his bed and tickled his back until he fell asleep. Sometimes....a good tickling from mama (versus a reprimand) is the most comforting thing in the world! Teddy reminded me of that tonight!
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