Friday, December 17, 2010

Day 92

Wednesday November 17, 2010

I did not sleep much today! At about 12:30am I had a nervous breakdown and went for a long walk outside. I must have wandered our condo complex for about 30 minutes before returning for a cup of coffee and then walking outdoors for another 30 minutes. I love the darkness! Most of all, I love the quietness of the darkness. Nothing is moving, nothing is being said, nothing is happening!! I walked and cried and cried, lamenting all of my fears to ears found only in my heart.

When I returned from my second walk, I found Todd tossing a pile of dirty sheets into the garage. Nina had an accident and woke up crying. I was mortified!!! I wasn't there!!! Fortunately for my own sanity, Nina was already back to sleep! In the dark hours of the morning, Todd and I proceeded to have a pivotal conversation. Whether we like it or not, Nina is headed to a cliff. We need to continue to pray for miracle. I believe we could have that miracle with every ounce of my being!!!! But without that miracle we are headed for a cliff right along with her and it is our responsibility to prepare. We have no other option but to prepare!!!!

Obviously, I couldn't sleep. I hadn't had this much difficulty sleeping since the beginning of this nightmare. I think I feel asleep around 5:30am only to wake up at 7:15 to get Teddy ready for school. By the time I returned from taking Teddy to school, Nina was already up watching Sponge Bob and asking for rice crispie cereal. Even though my evening and early morning had been a living nightmare, I was so thankful Nina was doing well. Her energy becomes my energy. Her valor and strength motivates me to be the best mom I can be!! I joined her for cereal and we proceeded to play a grueling round of Wii. She is so ruthless! She has no mercy on me! I even pulled the "but you grew in my belly" card but she simply laughed at me! She spanked me so hard on Wii Matching that I threw my hands up in defeat, which she found extraordinarily hilarious!! Go figure!!!

Teddy had a playdate with his buddy after school. I fixed the boys snacks and then tired to start cleaning our place. I normally did the majority of the house work and chores on a daily basis prior to the diagnosis. When this all happened my priorities switched and I just don't care anymore...okay I fib....I do care but it is simply a better decision to spend time with my loved ones than fastidiously ironing table clothes!! My mother and mother-in-law are going to question the validity of my fastidiousness when they read this...wondering where that fastidiousness is when it pertains to putting away my own clothes :)

During homework with Teddy, I began to feel my stomach sink. He was definitely falling behind. Things that he should have mastered and be fluent in, he is struggling with. Worst of all, I see his confidence as a student weakening. Todd hadn't had any luck with tutors so I asked a couple of my colleagues. They were wonderfully gracious and willing to help. The good thing about being in education is you get to meet a ton of amazingly talent people. This time, I wasn't pulling their skill set to help another family; I was hoping they could use their talents to help me with Teddy. I was beyond grateful that Erik and Mario had agreed to help. We spoke in detail and decided to start after the Thanksgiving break! It was going to be hard to tell Teddy. I knew he was going to freak out but we had to choice! He needed help now before he got further behind and before things became more emotionally complex!

After dinner, the four of us sat down and painted a Grinch ceramic Christmas light. It was so much fun. The four of us sat on the living room mattress, Christmas music softly playing in the background and painted. Nina is a meticulous painter. She has been since toddlerhood. In fact, when she was three, her preschool teachers were amazed at how precise her coloring was. She managed to stay in the lines better than most 5 year olds :) We painted our ceramic light for about an hour. It was fantastic! I can't remember the last time we have done something like this as a family. The kids got a long with each other and nicely shared the paints and brushes. Teddy did a wonderful job of complimenting Nina's painting. She was so focused on painting herself that she'd often forget to say thank you, which he'd prompt her to do :)

I was deeply sleep deprived and felt overwhelmed about the number of demanding things on my plate but I was even more deeply grateful for my children's laughter and the quiet evening this day had turned into! I thanked God for simplicity and prayed that Nina's tumor would be healed. The Thanksgiving holiday was now looming over me with great heaviness. I was not sure how we would manage, how we would get through it. But...again, that's how I feel about most things in my life right now, and God continues to provide.


  1. Rosy, I am a friend of Breanna Lancaster. She shared this blog with me back in August and asked that I pray for little Nina. My family (who is also Portuguese and Christian) have all been praying fervently for your family and healing for Nina. I cannot express how touched I have been by these blogs and everything that you have shared. You are such an amazing, beautiful, strong woman and unbelievable mom from what i have read and seen through this story. Teddy and Nina are the luckiest kids alive to have you as their mom!
    I also went to Reality Carpenteria when I lived in SB over the past 5 years. The pastor, Brett Merrick, has a 6 year old daughter Daisy Love who has also been battling cancer for over a year. I have been praying for that family as well and reading her blog. Today I was incredibly touched to see that he had posted a blog to pray for Nina as I am sure you are aware by now of this. I am not sure if you know their family or heard of their story, but both Nina and Daisy have been touching lives around the world in ways that you cannot even begin to imagine. Lives are being forever changed through these stories.
    I am believing for healing for both Nina and Daisy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you Thank you Thank you for your openness, honesty, and willingness to share this journey with us. May Gods peace and love always surround your family at all times!

  2. dear rosy, the post above written by Deanna Hayley could have been written by me! she has expressed almost exactly everything i would have said in response to your blog ~ will CONTINUE to fervently pray for these two precious little girls, AND their mommys, daddys and ALL of their extended family. i KNOW our minds are so finite, that we can't begin to imagine what God is doing for good, and for His kingdom, by the ways in which both of your families are honoring Him daily, and minute by minute. thank you for taking us on this unwanted journey with you, and letting us all have the opportunity of joining our prayer shields together on your behalf. blessings and love to you

  3. Hey there! I just want you to know that not a day will pass by that I don't lift up your family in prayer for your miracle. Your story so much touched my heart as I've followed little Daisy for ages now, and have watched God do amazing things in her, and now, God is of NO RESPECT of persons, and you can have your miracle too. Please feel free to contact me, and although I do not know you, you are a special part of my daily prayer and I would love to be someone whom you can lean on. (((Hugs)))) LexenH (