Sunday, December 12, 2010

Day 80

Friday November 5, 2010

Life is full of deadlines. Some are good. Some we want to avoid like the plague!

This morning I focused on a deadline that was good. I finished writing my letter of intent and submitted my application to the Education department. I was eager to hear back about the interviews. I knew I had to prepare but I do well with preparation. When I know I have a deadline, I outline the tasks I have to complete and get them done. I practice and practice until I feel like I've got it down or at least close enough to getting it down!

After lunch, Nina's buddy Mario came to babysit so Mendy and I could go work on a "potential" deadline neither of us wanted to tackle but that nonetheless needed to be planned.....just in in case. We decided we needed a pedicure and that a fun nail spa would be the weirdest place to plan a funeral! What a fucking nightmare!!!!!!! What else is there to say???? NOTHING!!!! NIGHTMARE!!!!!

When I arrived from Cedars back in August, I basically had two very clear and distinct outcomes in my head for my precious daughter. One path led to healing and a glorious miracle. I want this to be our path!! Please dear God!! I beg, take me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TAKE ME!!!!!!!!!! TAKE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

The second path is one that makes me shudder!!!! PLEASE TAKE ME!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT HER!!!!!!!!!!

I have had to compartmentalize myself in ways that humans should never have to. I would never wish what I did this afternoon on the evilest person on this earth! But...I realized when I got back from Cedars that this second path is a very real possibility and something I cannot ignore. For my own sanity and the sake of my family I basically planned all the funeral details in my head that week we returned from LA. For weeks I've been wanting to actually put it on paper but it is so hard!!! With Mendy here, I knew it was the perfect timing. Shit....there is no perfect timing for planning your child's funeral!! This is sooooo wrong!!!!! Nonetheless, I know myself and I know my family and I have to do this while I am centered and strong. I do not want to be making decision of this magnitude if our destiny is the second path. If we are put on that path I just want to be!! As such, Mendy and I did what two Ph.D.s do best....we planned!!!

As we sat and got our toenails dolled up in lovely shades of red and sherbet orange, we planned out every single detail imaginable for such a horrific occasion. Intermittently we'd have to stop talking because we were so choked up. Anyone watching us would have thought we had Autism because we pretty much never made eye contact. There was no way we could. How could we without bursting into sobs????? God has blessed me with the greatest friends!!!

Mendy was pretty surprised at the level of details I had planned. I had pretty much everything covered, down to songs and powerpoint outlines. This is how I work....I am a fixer...and I can't fix anything about this situation other than loving my daughter and trying to spare my loved ones as much pain as possible!
Never in the history of pedicures have such awful and horrific plans been made! Good thing our manicurists didn't understand much English, otherwise they would have kicked us out!

To make matters worse, our pedicures took too long. We were running late so I had to call my friend Holly and ask her to pick up Teddy from school from me. Her son Jake and Teddy are in the same class and Holly has been my lifeline here in SB, especially managing Teddy's school stuff. Again, I am so blessed to have friends who are so committed to loving and supporting our family! Holly called me back and confirmed that she could save my butt once again! Someday, not sure when, I plan on taking all of my amazing friends away on a week-long vacation where we are pampered to the max!! They have carried us through this entire nightmare and deserve so much more than I can ever give them!!!

The strangest thing about doing what we had just done is returning home to our sunshine girl. We walked in and found Nina beating Mario at Wii! The girl is ruthless and I am sooo very proud of her! I just crawled up next to her and hugged her chubby legs. She ignored me and continued to focus on her Wii game. I couldn't blame her! I take competition very seriously....she got that from me :)  Within a few more minutes, Holly arrived with Teddy. I thanked her and wished them a wonderful weekend before Teddy and I jumped into the car to go buy a couple of smoothies from Blenders in the Grass. Nina wasn't constipated yet but I wasn't too pleased with her bowel movements the last two days so I needed to give her more Miralax. Smoothies always helped in getting the right dose in her :)

Teddy spent the afternoon playing outside with Katie and Cami. He rode his bike around the complex, ran through bushes, took Cheetos to share with all his friends, and just got dirty :) When he came in, I asked him to shower before dinner. Of course he sighed and tried to convince me that he wasn't too dirty. Sometimes I feel like that boy is allergic to showers! My brother had that same allergy as a child :) Maybe Teddy will outgrow it like Uncle Bruno did :)

Then the surprise happened! The Dawsons (Robert, Yvonne, Niels and Sander) arrived. I hadn't told the kids. They went nuts!!! Everyone was so happy!!! Screams of happiness echoed throughout the neighborhood. I ran to Your Place Thai Restaurant and picked up food for the kids and the guys. Mendy, Yvonne and I had planned that once we had the guys and kids settled the three of us would go out to dinner. So...we got the kids and guys settled then we went off to Ruth's Chris, however, we were early so.....we did what any gaggle of girlfriends would do...we went shopping. We went roaming through Macy's looking for a pair of boots for Mendy. Mendy didn't find a pair but Yvonne did. Then we went to the next best I found an awesome pair of silver hoops. Yvonne had a killer coupon so she said she'd pay. I told the clerk the plan and explained that I was going to wear the hoops out and that my friend would pay since our reservation was up and I needed to go check in. Mendy and Yvonne stayed and continued their jewelry quest while I went across the way to Ruth's Chris.

About 10 minutes later, Yvonne and Mendy joined me at the restaurant. We had a cozy table right in front of the fireplace, next to the one Mendy and I had sat in the previous night :) Yvonne pulled out her Macy's bag and said, "Here are your earrings." I practically yelped and pointed to my ears, "I'm wearing them!" Shit!! Yvonne had bought me another pair and I had SHOP LIFTED!!! The girls laughed, I grabbed the receipt and the other pair of earrings and ran back to Macy's as fast as I could. I did however command the girls to order me a peach martini :)

I raced into Macy's and found the poor jewelry girl searching the counter for the pair of earrings I was wearing! As soon as she saw me she looked relieved. I apologized profusely and she quickly returned the pair Yvonne had bought and I paid for the pair I was wearing. Then I slinked out of the store with my tail between my legs! What shame!!

I rejoined my crew at the restaurant and started on my peach martini! Man those are killer!!! For the next 5 hours we ate, drank, cried, laughed, drank, cried, laughed, and drank some more. I haven't drank that much since...I don't remember when. It felt great!! We had a blast!! We ended our night at Roy's in downtown SB, really the only place you can get great food in the middle of the night. Mendy was our designated driver so she took control of ordering us shots. She turned to us and asked what we wanted. To her outright gasping surprise, neither Yvonne or I had ever taken a shot. Sooo...she ordered us shots of Patron Tequila. Let's just say....I made Mendy proud by pounding my shot in an instant. Yvonne on the other hand gingerly sipped hers, to our amusement! No need for folks to panic. I haven't gone off the deep end. We just had a fun evening and returned home full of giggles. After this day, I needed to giggle! As Mendy would say, "Fair enough!"

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