Astounding!!!

November 14, 2010
3:52 pm

I have the mother of all headaches right now!!!

I feel like have gone through the most brutal, violent, shocking, insane roller-coaster ride and I survived, barely, but I survived!!!

My dearest friend Holly watched Nina this mid day while I attended some appointments. She then graciously offered to stay with Nina (who was napping) while I went and picked up Teddy. I arrived at his school with 2 minutes to spare, which I was really proud of and Teddy nonchalant about :) We walked to the car and proceeded to drive home. As we did, we chatted about his day and what he had done. As we pulled into our driveway he dropped a gigantic (an unexpected) bomb on me.

He told me he couldn't wait to see Nina. Then he got really quiet and said he'd give all of his blood to Nina. I asked why he was saying that and he explained because he was willing to do anything to save her life, to keep her from dying. I instantly felt like we were in some alternate dimension....my head exploded in pain....all I wanted to do was scoop him up and run away, take him away from all the pain. He continued to look out the car window as I drove slowly (praying for strength) and explained that he is always thinking about Nina and feels like he can't do anything to help, he can't help the doctors and he can't help her. I parked the car and thanked him for sharing his feelings with me, that he is an astounding boy and an astounding brother. I went on to add that the best thing we can do is just love her, be sweet, play with her, and be patient, all the things he was already doing because he is such an amazing brother. He didn't cry or really show any discomfort. He was simply sharing his thoughts and lamentations with me. I responded exactly the same. I realized that the very best thing was already happening, he was talking to me about it, and the more we talked the better. I told him I loved him to which he said, "Ya ya...I gotta go potty" with a grin on his face and flew out of the car into the house.

I made myself breathe! All I could think of was the scene in Forrest Gump where young Jenny runs into the field of wheat and whispers, "Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far away. Far far away from here." I just wanted to scoop up both my kids and fly far, far, far away!!! My head felt like a 2x4 covered in nails was slamming into it over and over again. But....running away is not an option....it never has and never will be because I am Teddy's mama and his mama keeps going, one step at a time, irrespective of the amount of pain. There is NO OTHER OPTION!!!!!

So...I went inside, thanked Holly, and walked her to her car. I told her what had just happened and at first she told me it was okay to cry, then realized I really couldn't, that I needed to follow up with Teddy in a calm and peaceful manner. She hugged me tightly! I love hugs!!!

I went back inside and fixed Teddy a snack. Nina was still napping. He was next to her finishing the Sponge Bob puzzle she had started earlier on the snack tray. I asked him if he'd join me outside for a snack and that we could take the tray to the patio table. He looked up, freckled nose and gorgeous blue eyes, and nodded affirmatively before requesting that I also grab the bag of Cheetos. Once outside (I didn't want Nina to accidentally over-hear anything) we proceeded to have an extraordinarily calm conversation as he finished the puzzle and stuffed his face with Cheetos. We didn't talk about God because that wasn't the direction he took the conversation...I just followed his lead. All I asked him was what he was thinking about and he chatted without hesitation, all while bouncing around in his Teddy-way. He explained that Nina was always on his mind and that he was worried. We made a pact to always talk, no matter what he was worried about or where we were.

We talked about how to love Nina and how amazed I was at his maturity in communicating with me and allowing me in his thought process. I told him I loved him dearly and that he was the most astounding boy I had ever known and that I wasn't just saying that because he was my son :) As we spoke I realized that the most important thing in this conversation was to reinforce the importance of him communicating with me. This is only the beginning of these conversations. The rate at which he is bringing up his worries about Nina is increasing. In fact, it has grown exponentially over the last week. Now he was bringing it up almost daily. Just like with my own coping, he needs to be allowed to engage in it whenever he wants. The more he talks about it the better and the less shocking the pain will feel. We also talked about the importance of staying calm and sweet with Nina and to not worry her. He agreed whole-heartedly!

Then, as he stuffed two more Cheetos into his mouth, he turned to me and proclaimed that he was done talking. I laughed and reached out to give him a kiss. He laughed that he got away. I had to wrestle him for a kiss. He laughed hysterically at my repeated failed attempts at capturing him. Eventually I caught him and kissed his balmy cheek. He laughed and squirmed away.



I sat for a few more minutes then went inside. I still had the mother of all headaches!! At least I had 17 encouraging texts to cheer me up!!