Saying goodbye is never easy. Now, saying goodbye is bitter because we all recognize it might be one goodbye closer to permanency. I am a believer so I know that if Nina has to go to Heaven that it doesn't mean I lose her permanently, that I will see her again and get to spend eternity with her. However, if I have to lose her to Heaven so early, it means I will spend a long while (the people in my family live a long freaking time!) without her and it will feel like a permanent loss. This thought is like fire. It sears my soul, making me want to scream and roll on the ground, desperately trying to put out the flames. The problem is that these flames can never be put out!!!
We said goodbye to the Dawsons, Todd took a nap, Teddy and I worked on some homework, and Nina played Mahjong on the ipad. I felt tired!!!!!!! Not from playing with my friends Friday night but from life in general! My world was turned upside down. Nothing was secure!!!!! How I yearn for comfort and security!!!
A small piece of my comfort and security arrived today....Eileen was back and how I had missed her!! In fact, we had all missed her! My sister from Boston was back!!! Yip yip yahoo!!!
|Teddy missed Eileen!|
Frequently, I find myself thinking that this is all just a nightmare. That I've had a really terrible car crash and am in a bad coma and that all of this insanity is just my brain try to pull itself together, just a ton of awful crazy neural activity! Maybe it is all just a bad dream and I'm in a coma!! Please let it be a coma!!!! Don't let this be reality!!!!!!!