Friday, December 10, 2010

Day 77

Tuesday November 2, 2010

I love the movie Forrest Gump, although it's probably been 10 years since I last saw it (I know...I'm old!). I remember I went to the movies with my friend Michelle when it came out. It was fabulous. I especially loved the quote, "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get." This quote really described my day today....actually it kind of fits my entire life!

In all honesty, I'm not really a chocolate kind of gal. I'm much more of a savory (e.g., chips & salsa) lady but if I'm going to have candy, I totally lean toward caramel. I love caramel, especially when it's covering a yummy crunchy cookie with a thin layer of milk chocolate (yes....I do love a Twix now and again!) In fact, I can devour one of those Christmas boxes of caramels from Trader Joe's in a day! Too hard to resist! When my brother and I were kids, we'd totally battle over who got the creamy caramel-centered chocolates from the See's gift box. Actually, now that we're adults...we still do that :) Somethings never change, nor should they!

Anyway, this morning, I did not find a sweet, creamy caramel in my box of chocolates. Instead, I found a super hard and bitter chunk of dark chocolate. I DO NOT like bitter, dark chocolate (sorry for those of you who do! My palate is not that sophisticated!) I had a horrific conversation early today, one that wounded me profoundly! I am not perfect! I am covered by thousands of flaws and I own that! But the one thing I will not own is that I lack faith or courage! I know that at times these blog entries are undeniably hard to read, much less bare. But as I have said before, the entire purpose of me basically sharing my diary with the world is to let people I love (as well as strangers I hope Nina's journey touches) know what is going on and to help me process my own emotions.

I know I sound deeply negative and wounded at times and that is because I am!!! I am watching my most precious honey-girl die right before my eyes and there is practically nothing I can do other than to be courageous and have faith. I literally am carrying Mt. Everest and K2 on my shoulders every single day so when people question my capacity for faith or courage, I come unglued! It is not possible for a human to have more courage or faith! I don't mean to sound outrageous but I firmly believe this! I am not saying that I am a saint or that I am "more" spiritual than others or that my faith or behavior is perfect. I am not claiming any of these things All I am stating is that I DO NOT lack an ounce of faith or courage! Therefore, let this be a warning to the world....if you question my faith or courage, please keep it to yourself. Quietly pray that I develop more faith and courage (yes that is me being sarcastic and hostile!). If you decide to share this concern with me, do not be surprised if I rip your head off! The entire universe has been warned!

Although my early morning started off with bitter chocolate, I found my caramel-turtle (those are soooo yummy!) mid-morning with the arrival of my dearest friend Mendy. Mendy came in from Seattle to spend the entire week with us and as soon as I saw her beautiful, cheerful smile from the baggage claim my entire mood changed! It was super funny to watch Mendy remove the warm layers (vest, scarf) of clothing she arrived in as she made her way to our car. In Seattle it was freezing. Today in Santa Barbara, it was like a perfect summer day!

Mendy was my mentor in graduate school. She was ahead of me in the program by a couple of years and instantly became my role model and who I wanted to be like. Mendy is one of the most articulate and intelligent people I know. She exudes confidence and self-assurance in every thing she says. When I first met Mendy as a first year graduate student, she scared the living shit out of me! Really she did! She scared me not because she is mean, but because of the way she carries herself with confidence, integrity, and flat-out crazy brain-power! I instantly knew I wanted to be like Mendy but wasn't sure how to get there and definitely didn't want to look like an idiot and ask, "Hey Mendy, how do I become super smart like you?"

On top of being a phenomenally talented clinical psychologist with an outrageously sharp brain, Mendy has a wicked sense of humor (one of the best on the planet!) and is one of the few people I know that can challenge my verbosity :) In fact, when Mendy and I get together all you can hear is chatter from miles away! I cannot explain how great it felt to hug my friend! With that hug, my entire morning changed! It went from bitterness to sweetness in an instant!

The rest of our day was delightful! Mendy and I got to catch up. Nina got some more fun presents in the mail (thank you so much to everyone who showers her with so much love!) as well as some more ice-cream delivery (only Princess Giggles could have a royal court that would constantly be showering her with scoops of vanilla and cotton candy ice cream!) and Teddy had a play-date with his buddy Jake. Friends are one of life's greatest blessings. This truth is evident not only in my life but also in my children's lives! I couldn't help but smile as I watched Teddy and Jake discuss all of the intricacies of Club Penguin :) Who knew there were so many details to successfully completing secret missions in a world filled with chubby waddling penguins! But then again, that is what friends are for....supporting one another through the small and big obstacles of life!


  1. One of the greatest gifts that you are sharing is your raw, authentic feelings. Thank you for your courage to be so honest and revealing. It takes great strength and faith to allow yourself to be that vulnerable and real and to share that with others. You are a fiercely powerful Mama Bear for your children and for your own authentic self.

  2. You've touched my life in a way that is inexplicable. Your honesty and willingness to bare it all is refreshing and REAL which is why I believe so many who read your blog are touched in an inordinate amount of ways. I think and pray for you, Rosy, to continue to have courage, FAITH, love and that you continue to share that as you have. You, Nina, Teddy and Todd are always in our daily prayers! You are an inspiration and although I don't "know" you in the traditional sense of the word I feel honored to know you through the words you share. Let all these judgements and questions of faith go. Rock on Rosy, you are a role model mom and human being and I hope that I will be half the mom you are to those two kiddos. Love and prayers, Alex

  3. I agree with the ladies above. Obviously someone needs a slap of reality though I know you would never wish your nightmare on anyone. In the mean time prayers continue from Nebraska!! You are an inspiration to me!!

  4. Rosy, I read this blog entry the morning you wrote it on Friday Dec. 10th. But, I had to stop myself from commenting as I was afraid that what I wrote may be too harsh. I was SHOCKED that any one would question anything about you! Not one single person has the right to question anything about how you are feeling, where your faith is, or what steps you are taking to help your hearts and help Nina. Even people that have gone through similar situations, can not tell another how to travel down this road. As everyone has different feelings, beliefs and each journey in these battles are unique.

    The only thing anyone should be doing is dishing out loads of hugs, prayers and support.

    My hope is that through your blog we all become witnesses to the path that you have been forced to travel and that we all learn something. Something about gratefulness, love, patience, honesty, faith, support, time, and to what truly matters while we are here on earth.

    Honestly Rosy, whatever and however you and Todd decide to display your faith or show your courage is all yours and none of us have the right to question it.

    My apologies, off my rant now! And I truly apologize if I came off too harsh to whom ever may read this. It comes from a protective, caring, heavy heart.
    Prayers and Hugs!

  5. Dear Rosy,

    We have never met, I am one of the many strangers praying for you and your family. I found your blog at the beginning of this week and have spent a couple hours each day reading all your posts up to this point.

    If there are two things you do NOT lack, they are faith and courage. As I sit here reading your thoughts and daily battles, hardships, and thankfully victories and joys, I have been keenly aware of your unwavering faith and courage.

    You have courage everyday when you get out of bed and love your daughter, son, and husband unconditionally. As I have read in your posts you continue to cry out to the Lord and proclaim that you are not mad at him for what Nina is going through, this has to be one of the greatest examples of your faith.

    People say stupid things, they don't know what to say when someone is going through something so difficult, they can't understand, and feel like they should say something, so they open their mouth and say something stupid and out of line.

    I am sorry that on top of the daily battle with Nina's cancer, you must endure people's stupidity and insensitivity. It's unfair.

    You are in my prayers. Nina, Teddy, and Todd are in my prayers. I pray that tonight your family sleeps soundly and peacefully. Merry Christmas.