Day 94

Friday November 19, 2010

I love happy people!!! I consider myself a happy, optimistic kind of person. These traits have always been protective factors in my life, no more so than now. But I've come to appreciate happy people at a whole new level!!! Bottom line folks, life is not fair!! Life sucks!!! I remember my father telling me one day after he picked me up from 7th grade that life was not fair. I was upset because some girls in PE had been mean to me. I recall telling my dad how hurt I was and how I didn't understand how they could be so mean. My dad, with his beautiful light blue eyes and scruffy beard, turned to me and said that life was not fair but that we could choose to work hard and make it a good one! He then added that I was on my way, that I'd go to college and have a wonderful career while the mean girls would probably end up fat and stuck in meaningless jobs :) When he said this, I remember laughing. He made me feel better and I have often thought about these words he said to me so long ago!! Life is not fair!!! Boy do I know that!!! But even though I don't want to get out of bed every single day, I have to because it is my responsibility to make it a good one!!!! Thank you papa!!!!

So after I dropped off Teddy at school, I found a truly happy person at home...Katie. Katie had come to hang out with Nina during the morning while I went to the Goleta mortuary and then to the cemetery. She had shown up with a peppermint mocha from Starbucks. When I walked into the house, she welcomed me with a beautiful, bright smile and hugged me tightly before handing me my coffee. She said she didn't know what to say or do....so she got me a coffee!! What can you say or do when your friend asks you to babysit so she can go to the mortuary and cemetery????? There is nothing that can be said or done....but bringing a warm peppermint mocha is always a welcome treat! I hugged Katie, kissed Nina goodbye and went off on to the worst appointments of my life.

I went to the Goleta mortuary and met with Bart for about an hour. This site met all of our needs and I liked Bart. I suppose you should like your child's funeral director. What a heinous thing to say!!! We went through every imaginable detail, which I will refrain from outlining. There is no need to go into specifics. I spent an hour planning out funeral details!!!! I was numb!!! I felt nothing!!!!! It was as if my mind had fractured. I walked around the premises with Bart and explained how we would want things to proceed and that my friend Mendy would coordinate things for us if we were led to this conclusion!

Bart, an older gentleman with a soothing white beard and calm voice, listened and warmly commended us for being so proactive, that as hard as it was to discuss these details now, it would be excruciatingly harder to deal with them later on. That families suffer more. I am suffering more than anyone can imagine!!!!! Nonetheless, I appreciated Barts comments. I know exactly what he meant. That is why I am doing what I am doing. Somehow, by God's grace, I am able to get out of bed each morning and take care of my children and then do shit like this!!!! I hugged Bart goodbye (which I think freaked him out a bit....and made me feel better!) and drove the cemeteries.

There are three cemeteries in Santa Barbara and today I learned that the cost is greatly affected by location. Isn't that always the case???? Why would we expect it to be any different with one's final resting place???? AGHHHHHH!!!!! The closer you are to the beach the more expensive it is!! AGHHHHH!!!!!! After visiting the Goleta cemetery, which is only about 10 minutes from our place, I realized that this would be sufficient. Sufficient, appropriate, efficient?!?!?!?!?! How are these fucking decisions suppose to be made. To me, it all seems to boil down to being pragmatic!

At the cemetery, the director walked me around the premises and showed me all the available plots. He said that choosing one all boiled down to personal preference. Would I want a plot facing the mountains, facing the street, close the road, in the center, by a tree, etc. What the fuck?!?!?!?!?!??! I still don't know how I managed to get through this "tour" without cracking!! In fact, I think the director expected me to crack. In fact, I think everyone around me is expecting me to crack. But I have no choice. I CANNOT crack!!! Finally, we found a plot. In a newer area. I don't know why I chose it. Just felt like I needed to make a decision and that it was "nice" to be in the newer area so that during the actual burial people attending the funeral wouldn't be standing on other plots. AGHHHHH!!!!!!!



I told the director that I would be back in about a month or after the new year to complete paperwork and billing. He thanked me. How strange to thank someone for this.

I climbed into my car, turned on the engine and then drove off. As I pulled onto Hollister Ave I started to cry....I cried and cried and cried and cried. I cried until there were no tears left!!! How I wished I could just run away!!!

I drove around for what seemed like forever, but it was actually only 10 minutes. Time has different properties for me now! I pulled into our driveway and looked at myself in the mirror. I needed to make sure I looked happy for Nina. I wiped off some smudged mascara and added some lip gloss. Then I went inside and found Nina and Katie playing Wii!! Per usual, Nina was beating up her victims :) As I walked in I was struck with such happiness, happiness I didn't expect to find after what I had been through. Nina looked up and said, "Hi Mama!" just like she does ten thousand times a day. I sat beside her and kissed her chubby cheek and smelled the top of her head. I was so happy to be next to my honey-girl!!!!!!

I thanked Katie, who hugged me tightly once more, and then I asked Nina what she wanted to do. "I want Panda Express and shopping for new food!" I laughed and hugged her as tight as she would let me!!! What a perfect plan, one that only my sweet girl could come up with!! I kissed her repeatedly as I helped her put on her boots. We were off!!! Off to yet one more adventure and I was so THANKFUL!!!

After our little adventure, I dropped off Nina at home with Larisa while I went to Teddy's parent-teacher conference. I had expected to hear that he was struggling. I saw it at home. But what I got was something totally else! He was struggling....but way more than I expected!!! I got an instant migraine!! Miss Checchio was super positive and helpful. Gave me great ideas on where we could focus our efforts. Bottom line, he was doing  a great job behaviorally (kind to others, liked, no anxiety) but was drastically behind in practically all content areas. Miss Checchio was happy to hear we had lined up tutors but I bit my cheek as I scolded myself internally for not having started the tutors earlier!!!! Aghhhh!!!

I picked up Teddy from his playdate and he was so proud of himself for having been calm and brave! I told him I was proud too! I am just worried overall about my sweet boy!!!  I just pray for guidance and protection over his precious heart!!