Longing

December 31, 2010

I woke up this morning after dreaming about my niece Adelae. I don't remember much about the dream other than that we were shopping and couldn't find the "perfect" pair of boots. There was nothing particularly noteworthy about this dream. In fact, it was pretty much a summary of what we did yesterday. What jolted me about this dream was not the content but the emotions behind it. Longing!!! Longing!!! Longing!!!

Yesterday early afternoon, Nina, Addie, and I went shopping. Addie needed some new frames for her prescription glasses. Afterwards we went hunting for some boots for Adelae. Nina proclaimed that she also wanted shoes...she wanted "pretty ones"! The girl has an obsession with shoes and has more pairs than I do! I suppose I have happily fed this obsession over the years :) There is nothing quite like little girl's shoes. They are irresistible!!

Well, it turned out that we didn't quite find what we were looking for but we found some fun clothes for Adelae and Nina chose a new rainbow hair brush at Claire's. As I watched Adelae search the racks of clothing for something "cute" and try on boots, my heart started sinking and it began to pound to a sad beat of longing. I felt that altogether lump rise and seat itself in the hollow of my throat.

I found myself longing for all the things that I may lose if Nina has to go to Heaven. I longed for silly shopping with her, for her learning to read and write, for hearing all the stories she has to tell (she has a fabulous imagination). I found myself longing to see her fall in love for the first time and help her recuperate after her first heart-break. Would I get the opportunity to listen to depressing, post-break up Kelly Clarkson and Celine Dion music, pour heartache over a tub of ice-cream and redirect her emotions with a fabulous shopping trip? I found myself longing to see her flourish in her academics, see her find her passion in life, and get her first job. Most of all, I found myself longing to seeing Nina grow into a beautiful young woman who loves God and blesses all around her!

I studied Adelae closely, noticing her new pre-teen mannerisms. She is changing, growing intellectually and emotionally. Earlier in the day while she read her novel for an upcoming book report, Adeale came and asked me to explain a couple of paragraphs. I loved discussing the author's implications with Adelae and hearing her thought processes. Now, I found myself lamenting the fact that I may not have this opportunity with Nina!! Longing!!!! Longing!!!! Longing!!!!

So many times over the years, myself and others in our families have commented on the "nightmare" of adolescence and how we wished we could send our kids away during that period of development. Ohhh how I take those words back!! I would give anything to "deal" with Nina's PMS and "annoying" adolescent attitude. Longing!!!! Longing!!!! Longing!!!!