Monday, January 3, 2011

Day 125

Monday December 20, 2010

I woke up at 7am, gasping for air, dizzy, heart beating wildly, chest pounding from heavy pain, hands sweaty. I couldn't breathe!! I sat in the darkness of the room, willing myself to calm down. I closed my eyes and listened to the beat of the pouring rain. Eventually, I calmed down. I lay back down next to Nina and just drew her near me. I inhaled her in, over and over again! I had the worst dream ever!!! It was of Teddy. He had been screaming for Nina Where are you Nina?, searching for her from room to room, then at the beach, then at the bluffs, all familiar places we had gone together. I was chasing him in my dream, screaming for him to stop but each time I got close, he slipped away from me again! I can honestly say it was the scariest dream of my life!!! I've had lots of scary dreams but nothing compares to this one! I just lay next to Nina, breathing her in!!! My dream felt so real! Please God don't let it be real!!!!!! I can't lose my children!!!!!!!

As I cuddled with Nina, I cried. What more can I do?

After breakfast I made my way to downtown Santa Barbara to meet with Mendy once again. This time we were going to go over more funeral details. As I drove, I started sobbing. I called my most precious friend and sobbed and sobbed, grief stricken. I normally could contain myself but my mind didn't seem capable of controlling my body today. I felt like a helpless child and I hated it!!! Then, after sobbing a bit more I was able to fully calm down. Sometimes all you need is someone to hear you cry so that you don't feel alone! The sheer act of the other person being on the end of the other line somehow distributes the weight of the pain. I am just fortunate to be so well loved!

Eventually I made my way to Starbucks and Mendy! I told her what had happened in the morning, how I'd almost had a panic attack. This time it was Mendy who laughed so hard she almost spit out her coffee, "Baby girl, you did have a panic attack!" She elaborated that I had just delineated the clinical criteria for panic attack. I sheepishly said I thought you had to have the symptoms for a period of time in order for it to be "officially" a panic attack. Mendy just hugged me!!

The remainder of our conversation was not fun. It had to be done but it was not fun! It was dark, just like the tumultuous sky looming over us!

On our way to the parking garage, we ran into Katie and Larisa. They had texted earlier making plans to come by with gifts for the kids. Initially, neither of them had recognized me. Apparently my painted hair made me incognito :) Although I felt like shit, it was good to see my darling friends outdoors, away from the grief trapped inside the walls of my home. I looked at their young, beautiful faces as they spoke, both filled with eagerness for life. I felt old, very old, not chronologically per say, but psychologically, spiritually. They hugged me tightly (I do love hugs!) and we agreed to meet in a little while.

I drove Mendy to her husband and hugged her one last time for this trip. I hated the prospect that the next time I might see her would be under hideous circumstances. I shuddered and told myself to stop being such a downer. I had to go home and get cheery for my children! Katie and Larisa were coming with presents!

Katie and Larisa did come with presents and the kids loved it! By far the wildest and most hilarious gift was the princess outfit for Max! Nina and Teddy roared with laughter. Max was quite the sport! Afterwards, Katie and Larisa joined Todd and the kids outdoors to watch Teddy fly his new helicopter. Oh how he loved that helicopter! As she waited for her turn to fly the helicopter, Nina reached over and pinched Larisa on the tush! No joke! Larisa practically screeched, laughing hysterically. She asked Nina why she had pinched her but Nina ignored her! Oh, Nina! Sometimes all I can say is Oh, Nina!!!


  1. Hey, I was wondering how you all are? I haven't seen an update in a while. I haven't commented, but just started reading. Hoping all is well with you!

  2. Rosy.... I am so very sorry from the depths of my heart that you had to share your time with Mendy discussing and planning details of the "just incase" senerio. However, (and I know that I don't have to tell you) that you are so blessed to have a friend that can support and help carry you through such a storm.

    You are surrounded by such love...each one of your friends and family members that you speak of are blessings and angels sent to help. And, each have shown such unique ways in which they help you. It is amazing!

    P.S. Love the kitty princess that Max has become!

    Hugs! & Continued Prayers for Continued Support~

  3. I found a link to Nina's blog while reading through Daisy Love's blog.

    I have never met you, but I want you to know that you have all of my prayers. I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through. But from your posts I can tell that you are fully equipped with the strength of the Lord.

    I believe in the power of prayer. I believe in the power of a healing prayer. In Mark 16, Jesus commissioned us before he ascended into heaven. In his "great commission" he didn't just speak about preaching the gospel. He spoke about casting out demons and speaking in tongues and laying hands on the sick and commanding healing.

    I know that your daughter can be healed.

    Lord, in your son's name Yeshua, I present these requests.
    Father you have given us the ability to perform miracles in your name. I know the strength and power comes from you, but we need to have faith. So first I pray for faith. Lord give this family and Nina faith that can move mountains. Father allow me to pray with unwavering conviction and faith. You are good and your mercy endures forever.
    I command healing on the life of this young one. Father please remove the tumor that is keeping her from living life to its fullest. I pray your hands would reach into her and pull it out. Wholly and completely I pray that tumor would be removed. Because you are faithful and true, I trust in you and you alone. Father I pray that everything about Nina's life is improved. Lord I pray you would fill her right now with a peace that cannot be explained. I pray you would give her joy. I pray that she would see herself as beautiful. I pray you would remind her of how great you are. I know you love impossible odds because they set the stage for amazing miracles. Lord we trust that this is one of those stages. We believe that you are about to perform. And Lord you will receive ALL of the glory. In your son's name I command healing. The power that raised Yeshua from the dead lives in me and it lives in Nina. Lord I pray that power would be evident today. With the power you have invested in me, I pray for complete healing. Lord you are good. And we thank you in advance for the amazing things you will do.
    You are good. You are good. You are good. You will always be unfailingly good. You are consistent in your nature. Father I praise you because you are so worthy to be praised. Lord of Heaven and earth let this be.

  4. Rosy,

    I pray daily for Nina, you and your family. May God embrace you and keep you strong. You are a remarkable young mother. We here at Hilmar Unified School District Office are praying for Nina. You are loved and thought of often.

  5. Hi Rosy,
    As I was reading your blog today, I was surprised to see a picture of Katie. She grew up down the street from where I raised my two girls.Such a small world that we both know the same person,yet do not know each other. I have followed your blog from the beginning through Danny and Erica. You are an amazing writer and I feel like I am right there with you. Your stories are sad, funny, happy and you nail all the emotions that we feel as we read. Know that your family is always in my prayers.
    Very Sincerely,
    Nanci Hockert

  6. each time i read your entries a few things happen. generally i cry. i always then pray for you, your husband, teddy & of course your sweet nina. i often find myself smiling at some of the sweet things that you have been able to share with your oh so precious family. i am often moved by the power of your support system. through your writings... i have been encouraged to be a better mom (not task focused, but focused on just the enjoyment of my little ones), to be a better friend, & to enjoy the simple moments of life.

    i hope that your day today is filled with the great power of prayer, of hope, of joy.