Heartbreak

Sometimes too much is just too much!! The Internet is a wonderful thing but it is also a trap. Next time you see me, remind me to stop going on-line to look for stuff. I just spent the last hour looking at the blogs of other families who have gone through this. Each of their children are so beautiful and they are ALL gone!!!!

I should have just stayed away from these sites but I kept hoping I'd find one where there had been a miracle of complete recovery. But there wasn't a single one! Then I started to freak out and emailed my friend to find out what research says about kids' whose moms go AWOL. I wanted to know if I'd totally wreck Teddy if I simply vanished???

As soon as I had hit sent, I totally regretted sending my friend that email. So...I sent another one saying that my momentary freak-out had ended. I don't know how to explain it other than it's like God is holding my heart between his hands. Each time I freak out, He gently strokes my heart, like a parent who comforts their child after they've fallen off their bike and scraped their knee. The pain is still there but it's lulled by the gentle Hush.

From the very beginning of this train wreck, God has held me tightly. Each time I hurt, within seconds I literally feel a wave of warmth. Sometimes I fight this wave, don't ask me why. In those moments, God just waits for me, just like I have waited for our kids to calm down and allow me to comfort them. Eventually I can surrender.

I am sooo sad!!! I am sitting here in the dark, next to Nina as she sleeps, her precious hand on my thigh. I hear her breathing. I can smell the sweetness of the maple syrup still on her breath; we had homemade waffles and bacon for our midnight meal tonight.

I am sooo sad!!! I don't want Nina's blog to be one where some poor family finds 2, 3, 10 years from now and experiences what I just did! Several people have asked me how it is that I have the mental capacity to write in this blog. I have to. I don't want to forget a single thing, EVER!! Even the wretched pain!!

As weird as it sounds, God is using this blasted blog to nourish me. I am a control freak and I cannot control a single thing about this situation. I have to surrender it all to my Savior and I gladly do. But God has given me the opportunity to control my memories through this blog. By writing all of this down, even now when I feel completely heartbroken, I am comforted with knowing that even as my own mind fades with age, these words will live.

God has already soothed my heart and I know that all of His promises are true. In my heart of hearts I know that we will be okay, that I will be able to shop at Vons without wanting to vomit, that Teddy will grow to be a wonderful man who loves God with all his heart, that Todd and I will learn to be sweeter toward each other, that we will all be transformed one way or another. I just want this miracle of complete healing so badly!!!!

I guess that for now I will have to cuddle up to my honey-girl and praise God for every inch of her perfect being!