Friday, September 10, 2010


Sometimes too much is just too much!! The Internet is a wonderful thing but it is also a trap. Next time you see me, remind me to stop going on-line to look for stuff. I just spent the last hour looking at the blogs of other families who have gone through this. Each of their children are so beautiful and they are ALL gone!!!!

I should have just stayed away from these sites but I kept hoping I'd find one where there had been a miracle of complete recovery. But there wasn't a single one! Then I started to freak out and emailed my friend to find out what research says about kids' whose moms go AWOL. I wanted to know if I'd totally wreck Teddy if I simply vanished???

As soon as I had hit sent, I totally regretted sending my friend that email. So...I sent another one saying that my momentary freak-out had ended. I don't know how to explain it other than it's like God is holding my heart between his hands. Each time I freak out, He gently strokes my heart, like a parent who comforts their child after they've fallen off their bike and scraped their knee. The pain is still there but it's lulled by the gentle Hush.

From the very beginning of this train wreck, God has held me tightly. Each time I hurt, within seconds I literally feel a wave of warmth. Sometimes I fight this wave, don't ask me why. In those moments, God just waits for me, just like I have waited for our kids to calm down and allow me to comfort them. Eventually I can surrender.

I am sooo sad!!! I am sitting here in the dark, next to Nina as she sleeps, her precious hand on my thigh. I hear her breathing. I can smell the sweetness of the maple syrup still on her breath; we had homemade waffles and bacon for our midnight meal tonight.

I am sooo sad!!! I don't want Nina's blog to be one where some poor family finds 2, 3, 10 years from now and experiences what I just did! Several people have asked me how it is that I have the mental capacity to write in this blog. I have to. I don't want to forget a single thing, EVER!! Even the wretched pain!!

As weird as it sounds, God is using this blasted blog to nourish me. I am a control freak and I cannot control a single thing about this situation. I have to surrender it all to my Savior and I gladly do. But God has given me the opportunity to control my memories through this blog. By writing all of this down, even now when I feel completely heartbroken, I am comforted with knowing that even as my own mind fades with age, these words will live.

God has already soothed my heart and I know that all of His promises are true. In my heart of hearts I know that we will be okay, that I will be able to shop at Vons without wanting to vomit, that Teddy will grow to be a wonderful man who loves God with all his heart, that Todd and I will learn to be sweeter toward each other, that we will all be transformed one way or another. I just want this miracle of complete healing so badly!!!!

I guess that for now I will have to cuddle up to my honey-girl and praise God for every inch of her perfect being!


  1. OOH, sweet, beautiful Rosy. Your pain is palpable, and gut-wrenching. Keep writing it down, precious girl. Keep writing it down. I understand this need perfectly, and your need to not forget. Keep writing, - it is some small measure of control you have, a gift from god, and an anchor - albeit small, and incremental. You never leave my thoughts, dear sister. You never leave my prayers. -Brandi

  2. Dear Rosy, I have been following your blog since I was called by Yael - we are here for you as soon as you need us. Kate Carter

  3. Rosy, I know I am not the only one who cries and prays with you, but I can tell you your writing has had such an impact on my life. My prayer life has been revitalized (fasting and praying for you all today, by the way) and as I see your tenacity and mama-bearness, I am growing my own set of "balls" in being an advocate for my little guy who needs someone to fight hard for him in an area that only a mom (and/or daddy) can. I can't compare my situation with yours by any means, but I am looking at every moment and situation with my family with wondering eyes and not taking anything for granted. I have also told so many people that I have had a feeling from the beginning of all this that Miss Nina is going to have in impact on people, whether it is through the miracle of healing or you sharing your journey with people. This blog might be a book someday that will strengthen many! You all are never far from my thoughts and we haven't seen eachother in 25+ years and I've never met your kids! We serve an awesome God! Blessings today!

  4. Rosy:
    I agree with all your friends who have encouraged you to continue your blog. It is one small thing you can control now AND you are giving each of us such an incredible gift. Your struggles and strengths are so genuine - even your momentary "freak-outs". Whenever my mind wanders during the day I see images of you, Nina, Teddy, and Todd. I read your blog every night and pull up the beautiful pictures of Nina as I pray and focus on sending healing thoughts to Nina and her incredible family. My deepest love to you all. - Jim Ross

  5. Hi Rosy... We are with you... never lose hope...
    we love you all...

  6. Olha minha filha querida, o Luis acabou-me de ensinar como fazer os comentarios. Depois vou fazer com calma. Beijinhos da mama e meus.

  7. Dearest Rosy,

    I too pull up your blog daily to see your beautiful family and precious Nina pictures as I pray... Your words are so powerful in so many ways and for so many reasons. Your love for your family and God is crystal clear...keep following your heart and the direction that it is leading you for I am sure that it is helping many that surround and love you!

    Praying always~!
    Love From
    GVNS Mommy

  8. My friend posted this as her status on Facebook, and I immediately thought of you. I don't know this little girl's story, but it's a reminder that miracles DO happen:

    "After 7 weeks and 6 days, Josselyn was discharged from Children's Hospital LA and has survived a less than 5% chance of survival. God is SO GOOD and miracles do happen, thanks to the power of prayer :)"

    I read your blog every day, and I'm praying for you, Nina, and your family.