Day 31

Friday September 17, 2010

My day started in agony.

From 11pm last night until 4 am this morning Nina sobbed and cried and whimpered and yelled in pain. She and Todd must have made well over 150 trips to the bathroom. She had a few successes but the pain was intense and did not dissipate until it was almost morning. I sat helplessly in the living room, encouraging Todd when he needed encouragement. He hadn't seen her in this kind of pain yet. It was excruciating for him. She repetitively whined in pain, "I'm serious it hurts. I have to go poo-poo. I don't want to go poo-poo". Even when she was close to sleep she continued to repeat this trance. I could tell it was killing him one second and driving him batty the next. I knew what he was feeling...I had been there...it is pure agony!

Then everything changed.

She got up in a great mood. Went to radiation without a complaint. Smiled at the anesthesiologist. She did have a low grade temperature again, 99.5 but was all happiness and conversation. Woke up in 20 minutes in recovery. Ate and ate. Talked and talked.

Teddy came home in a great mood too! He was incredibly affectionate with Nina. Kept hugging her, sitting next to her, asking her what videos she wanted to watch. After dinner, he crawled up next to her and kissed on her for a solid minute. He told her, "I love you Nina! You're the bestest sister I ever had. You're the only sister I ever had." Todd's heart sank right before my eyes as he heard Teddy say these words. He left the house. He was gone for 10 minutes. I knew why.

Then Nina asked to go potty. As I knelt at my daughter's feet, I started to think about the lyrics from "Amazing Grace". I have always loved that song, since childhood, but I have not truly understood it, truly lived it until now. In the darkest hours of my life, some of which occurred today, God's amazing Grace has carried me. When every fiber of my being felt like it was going to disintegrate, God carried me. When my hands violently shook with fear, God carried me. When my body was so terrorized that I felt like I was going to vomit, God carried me. When I wanted to run far, far away, God carried me to security. I was lost but now I am found. I was blind but now I see. I was a wretch but Heaven's merciful hand saved me.

I am 33 years old and have lived the majority of my life in the land of opportunity yet I allowed myself to be bound for countless years. Now I found myself sitting on the cold bathroom tile floor, the lowliest of rooms. I stared at my beautiful daughter's face, smiled at her, and wiped away the drool falling from the corner of her mouth. She leaned her swollen cheeks into the palm of my hand and smiled the most radiant and thankful of smiles.

My day ended in bliss! I was free!!!

Amazing Grace Lyrics

John Newton (1725-1807)
Stanza 6 anon.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,

That saved a wretch like me.

I once was lost but now am found,

Was blind, but now I see.

T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.

And Grace, my fears relieved.

How precious did that Grace appear

The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares

I have already come;

'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far

and Grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me.

His word my hope secures.

He will my shield and portion be,

As long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,

And mortal life shall cease,

I shall possess within the veil,

A life of joy and peace.

When we've been here ten thousand years

Bright shining as the sun.

We've no less days to sing God's praise

Than when we've first begun.