Day 44

Thursday September 30, 2010


Everyone was tired today. Since Adelae's arrival, Nina has found new levels of energy, enthusiasm, and reciprocity. We have been savoring each of these moments like they are rare gems...the reality is that they are rare gems!! We have also been thanking Adelae for the heart that she has poured into not only Nina but also Teddy. Both of our children are breathing differently this week. They are so happy. It fills us with happiness. It is because the most tender of girls was brave enough to come spend time with us! We praise God for Adelae Cozette Fredeen!!!

I have been thinking a lot about family lately. I am fully aware of all the reasons why God designed family, the least being that as humans our hearts are unbelievably fragile and we need the love of family to sustain us, guide us, protect us, nourish us. I have a pretty big heart. It is easy for me to love people. I have been that way since childhood. Nina is very much like me in that way and as such people are drawn to her. 

I have been mesmerized by how many people have fallen in love with our honey-girl. Whether it be the staff at the Cancer Center, neighbors, acquaintances, or total strangers via the web. Her exuberance, love of life, tenacity, willfulness, givingness, playfulness, and outright darlingness has won the heart of each person that has met her or read about her. That is Nina's gift. She loves easily but is also easy to love. Funny how things are…as parents we foolishly think we are the sole purveyors of instruction in our parent-child relationship. How wrong we are. Family is so dynamic, no more so than in the relationships between parents and their children. What I have come to realize is that my children have taught me more than I have taught them. 

I want to be like Nina. Plain and simple! I want to love like Nina and be ready to play in an instant! I want to give like Nina, always ready to help, eager to learn, delighted by loving others. I want to tantrum like Nina. Yes I said it! I want to let the whole world know when I am sad, annoyed, frustrated, and most of all hurt…instead of bottling it up. Of course, like Nina I would need to learn how to show these emotions in a calm matter, without severely or irrevocably injuring others. I want to be brave like Nina and not let what others think deter my heart's desire. I will never forget when Nina told me (this past April) that her friend (a boy at school) had told her she couldn't climb a mountain because she was a girl. Nina was simultaneously pissed off and hurt. She said with a scowl on her face, "I can climb, right mama?" I told her "YES!!" Similarly, when it came time for her to learn to ride her bike, she did not hesitate, vacillate, contemplate all the different ways she could fall. She got on that damn bike and rode!!! I want to have that kind of brazen attitude. 

Sadly, Teddy has also taught me more than I have taught him. He has taught me how to be patient….oh boy….God gave me this little man to teach me patience!! Patience is not a virtue I have and Teddy has helped mold my heart so that I can slow down, not be so damn controlling, allow for something different than myself. He has taught me how to pray with an honest heart and how to lean on others when I need help. He has reminded me (daily) how precious and vital affection is. He is our cuddlier, our lover. He has been so since birth!  Unfortunately, as he has gotten older he has begun to limit his signs of affection for me and Todd in public. We recognize that this is completely developmentally appropriate, nonetheless, we still are sad to see it diminish. However, in the confines of family he is uninhibited and pure in his affection for us. My prayer is that he never ceases to be that way, not just with us, but with his future wife and family. 

Teddy and Nina are polar opposites in practically everything. Most of the time (because I'm just a mom and miss how the dots connect most of the time) their differences have driven me batty! Their differences make for complicated parenting. Nothing (almost nothing) applies universally. Everything has to be individualized. I know this is true of every family…doesn't make it any less exhausting. But together, they are the perfect children for Todd and me because each of their differences address areas that we need to develop as adults. Sometimes the vastness of God's wisdom just knocks me to the floor. God knew that Todd and I needed Teddy and Nina as our children. He knew that they would stretch us and give us opportunities to develop areas in our personalities that needed continued growth. I am desperately trying to remind myself of this reality on a daily basis. Doing so helps me bare (a tiny bit) what we are going through!

Since August 19th my family has grown exponentially. This family now includes previous acquaintances that had been in my life for a long time (albeit on the periphery) and complete strangers. This event has also rekindled and deepened the connection with friends whom I had already considered family and with actual family members. Most importantly, I am keenly aware (previously I understood this at a logical level but know I am living it) that family is dynamic, does not always fit neatly into a perfect little box, comes in many different shapes and sizes, and changes. Because I am at the heart of the matter a control freak, I never liked the idea that families change. I am trying to understand what God is trying to teach me through the changes in my family that have already happened and that may happen. This is not easy for me so I implore for constant prayer, patience, and forgiveness!