Avoidance

I feel like I am stuck...like my body wants to move forward, take a step, reach for the door handle, but my mind won't send the signal to make things work. It is a very confusing feeling...I envision myself typing, think about what I'm going write down, but it is as if the neurons aren't firing correctly and therefore my fingers won't work.

Ever since Friday October 1st, I have been avoiding writing in this blog....talking to people....owning my emotions. Nina is doing well so one would think I would be doing well. In many ways I am doing well. I am so thankful for her new found energy, sassiness, and happiness. As I've noted before, it is as if we have returned to some semblance of normalcy...but it is all a mirage.

I suppose that the root of my avoidance has been the joy we have all been experiencing with our friend's wedding. Eileen and Dave are the salt of the earth. They are the kind of friends you read about in novels, see in movies, are forever captured in epic tales. Yet they are not fictional or historical characters stuck in the pages of dusty books or film reels; they are very much alive and they are own precious friends. We have been humbled by the magnitude of their love for us...but on the same token, their love for each other and their wedding preparations has caused great longing in my own heart. My weak mind easily slips into scenarios that I may never experience with Nina...like shopping for her wedding dress, seeing her find deep and profound love.

Consequently, I find myself here....avoiding. I don't like avoiding! Avoidance just prolongs some pending doom, making the entire experience worse. I just don't know how to get unstuck!!