Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Saudade

This past Monday was a hard day. A very, very hard day. It has been a month since we lost Nina. On my ride back from Mammoth, I was petrified with grief. All I could do was sit quietly and cry, hoping that Teddy and his buddy Niels would not notice. I did not want to panic the boys. Lucky for me, they were captivated by the majesty of the falling snow and the Ansel Adams breathtaking mountain scape surrounding us.

The beauty around us, pristine and ethereal, made my pain deeper. It made my ache for Nina soar because I longed for her to be beside me, enjoying the beauty surrounding us :(

In Portuguese there is a word that I have known since childhood but whose meaning did not penetrate my soul until I lost Nina. The word is Saudade. There isn't a direct English translation but it means a deep and voluminous longing that is marked by great sadness. 


How I long for Nina!!!

As we drove home from an incredible weekend in Mammoth, I longed to laugh with Nina, to see her play in the snow and learn to ski or snow board like her brother. I longed to hold her hand and watch snow flakes fall onto her precious button nose. I longed to hear her call out for me and she tried to put on her snow pants, frustrated that she couldn't get them fully on by herself. Most of all, I longed to kiss her beautiful face and feel her warm arms wrapped around my neck.

I longed.

I longed.

I longed.

Saudade!

Saudade!

Saudade!

As I write this entry, I am curled up in Nina's room, wrapped up in her comforter, surrounded by her toys, books and clothes. I recognize that she is always with me, loving her mama from afar but tears plummet as my heart silently breaks........

I long!!!

I long!!!!!!

I LONG!!!!!!!!

Saudade!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saudade!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SAUDADE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

12 comments:

  1. praying and thinking of you always rosy

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  2. A month later, and yes - your family is still in our prayers. Peace be with you.

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  3. My heart goes out to you and your unimaginable pain. I am so sorry. Thank you for continuing to share your journey. You are helping in ways you may not know. Sending you so much love.

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  4. Rosy,
    My heart breaks for you everyday. This is a pain that no one should have to endure. I can't even begin to imagine. I pray for you, Todd and Teddy every night. I find myself worrying about you all so much. I still check the blog every morning and am relieved when I see a new entry, because even though it is painful, I know you are ok. So many people love you and still want to be there for you, including me. You are the strongest woman I have ever known!! Not only because you have to endure this horrible pain, but because you are still teaching others while doing it. I know you have changed my life forever.

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  5. Oh Rosy! I think of you, Todd, Teddy and Nina every day. I pray for you every day (numerous times). On Monday my heart was heavy with grief as I knew it had been exactly one month. There are no words to express my aching heart as I read your posts. There are no words that can take that pain and longing away. Just know that we are all praying for you and your family. You have touched so many lives by sharing your journey and by being an amazing mother.

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  6. Sinto imenso o vosso sofrimento. Sei exactamente o sentido da palavra SAUDADE. Eu também tenho uma saudade enorme, saudade de quase 6 anos, desde que perdi o meu filho querido...

    Um beijo

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  7. Peace be with you.....

    via the willows blog

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  8. I still check several times a day to see if you are there. Still heartbroken and weeping for you, but more than anything Praying. Praying for that comfort that passes all understanding.

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  9. Oh sweet Rosy, how I appreciate your honesty and openness. As you said in your other post, the Good Lord has never left your side, He is with you, counting every tear that falls from your lovely face. And, I imagine, He longs for you too, much in the same way you long for your sweet Nina. May you feel the warm embrace of His everlasting love as He brings you closer to Him with each breath He gives you.

    "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you." (Jas 4:8 )

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  10. My heart continues to break and ache for all of you! Several moments through out the day there is a great awareness that brings me to step back and pray for each of you.

    I may never know the true feeling and depth of your sorrow. I can only imagine it. But, please know that even though in your present body and mind you may feel alone at times...Nina and the Good Lord above will never leave you.

    I continue to pray that each new day that there are moments that help you take the next step that will offer to you the peace that Nina would so want you to have.

    My thoughts are with you, my prayers continue, and my tears flow for the loss and for your pain.

    Hugs!
    ~Amy

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  11. Only in my native language exists the word SAUDADE. We have also in Brazil many songs with this word. So I have to say:
    " ...saudade vá dizer a Nina que estou bem..."
    " ... Saudade tells Nina I´m Ok..."

    All my love, Eunice Sarmet

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  12. Thinking of you always, Rosy.

    Love,
    Bethanni

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