Gasp

On Tuesday, Eileen and I went to visit Nina's grave at 10am. We also went Monday at 10am, a week after her funeral. I hate saying I'm visiting my daughter at the cemetery, although that is exactly what I am doing. I realize that she is in Heaven but her body, her precious body, is buried under concrete and dirt and it makes my own soul scream in agony!!!!!!!!!

As we were pulling into the cemetery, I had my iphone plugged into the stereo and a song from Madagascar 2 was playing. The song is "I like to Move It" by will.i.am and it was one of Nina's favorite songs. Almost on a daily basis, her preschool would play this song during the drop off and pick up periods. More often than not, Nina would be in the middle of the preschool room dancing along with her girlfriends. She was so stunning, always smiling, sweet legs hoping along the rug, and arms rhythmically flowing through the air. As I write this, I clearly see Nina dancing in that school room.....she is so alive, so happy, so carefree and I swear I can almost touch her. But then again, it's all in my head.

All in my head is exactly what happened Tuesday morning. As I was pulling into the cemetery, Eileen was speaking to me and I got lost in listening to the song. I don't know how this happened. It was like I was in an alternate universe. My mind was not present in reality. I was in another place, another time, a time where Nina was healthy and alive. As I rounded the corner into the cemetery, my eyes saw the rows of graves to my left and my mind SHOUTED at me: YOU'RE IN THE WRONG PLACE!! YOU SHOULDN'T BE HERE!!!!!! YOU NEED TO GO PICK UP NINA AT PRESCHOOL!!!!!


I literally GASPED!!! I gasped so loud that it startled Eileen and she asked me what was wrong. I told her my mind had slipped. Like someone who suffers from PTSD, I was back in another place and time and my soul had been rocked by indescribable pain. I told her how my mind had told me to pick up Nina at preschool and to leave this horrible place. But just as quickly as that thought struck my mind, reality took over. The cold, horrible truth was that I was in the right place. I would never pick up Nina at school again. This awful place would be the only place I could ever come "visit" her.

Eileen took my hand and then rubbed my back as we parked the car near Nina's grave. I was so shocked  that I couldn't stop shaking my head.

I realize that the rest of my life will be filled with such moments. Moments where a sound, a smell, a touch will transport me to a long gone memory of my precious honey-girl. But the greatest cruelty is that reality will always kick back in and I will have to own all over again that she is gone!