Thursday, March 10, 2011


On Tuesday, Eileen and I went to visit Nina's grave at 10am. We also went Monday at 10am, a week after her funeral. I hate saying I'm visiting my daughter at the cemetery, although that is exactly what I am doing. I realize that she is in Heaven but her body, her precious body, is buried under concrete and dirt and it makes my own soul scream in agony!!!!!!!!!

As we were pulling into the cemetery, I had my iphone plugged into the stereo and a song from Madagascar 2 was playing. The song is "I like to Move It" by and it was one of Nina's favorite songs. Almost on a daily basis, her preschool would play this song during the drop off and pick up periods. More often than not, Nina would be in the middle of the preschool room dancing along with her girlfriends. She was so stunning, always smiling, sweet legs hoping along the rug, and arms rhythmically flowing through the air. As I write this, I clearly see Nina dancing in that school room.....she is so alive, so happy, so carefree and I swear I can almost touch her. But then again, it's all in my head.

All in my head is exactly what happened Tuesday morning. As I was pulling into the cemetery, Eileen was speaking to me and I got lost in listening to the song. I don't know how this happened. It was like I was in an alternate universe. My mind was not present in reality. I was in another place, another time, a time where Nina was healthy and alive. As I rounded the corner into the cemetery, my eyes saw the rows of graves to my left and my mind SHOUTED at me: YOU'RE IN THE WRONG PLACE!! YOU SHOULDN'T BE HERE!!!!!! YOU NEED TO GO PICK UP NINA AT PRESCHOOL!!!!!

I literally GASPED!!! I gasped so loud that it startled Eileen and she asked me what was wrong. I told her my mind had slipped. Like someone who suffers from PTSD, I was back in another place and time and my soul had been rocked by indescribable pain. I told her how my mind had told me to pick up Nina at preschool and to leave this horrible place. But just as quickly as that thought struck my mind, reality took over. The cold, horrible truth was that I was in the right place. I would never pick up Nina at school again. This awful place would be the only place I could ever come "visit" her.

Eileen took my hand and then rubbed my back as we parked the car near Nina's grave. I was so shocked  that I couldn't stop shaking my head.

I realize that the rest of my life will be filled with such moments. Moments where a sound, a smell, a touch will transport me to a long gone memory of my precious honey-girl. But the greatest cruelty is that reality will always kick back in and I will have to own all over again that she is gone!


  1. Oh Rosy...I wish I had the right words. But, there is no right words. I have been thinking about all of you what seems to be every moment of every day. I think of you and pray that you are guided down this new path. I pray that you see your Nina Angel in different ways through out each new day. With every ounce of me, I am so very sorry.

    Please know that many are still and always will be praying for you and your beautiful family.
    Love and Hugs Always!

  2. I'm so sorry Rosy, it's just so awful. I really don't know what to say except that I'm praying for you all.
    Much love,

  3. Rosy, you're on my mind every second of the day, and although we may never meet, I am thankful I was chosen to be burdened for you: to pray for your family, to feel your pain in my bones and let it cause me to pray without ceasing. I am learning (yes, just now learning) how to appreciate life and be a better mom, to be raw and honest with myself and others...through you and Nina. What a gift you and Nina have become to my family! God's promise is firm: Romans 8:28, "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose" --And in miraculous ways at that! Maybe one day I'll get to share more but I just want you to know that God may not have caused this to happen but He is and will continue to use every bit of it for unfathomable, heavenly purposes. Nina's beautiful life on earth and now (in a new body with no aches and pains, that can dance and sing, smile and praise Jesus forever in Heaven) is resonating across the world through your blog and changing lives. Not maybe, I am a testimony. God wants you to see Nina as miraculously transformed in the presence of Jesus and angels, He didn't allow her to live a debilitating life here on earth and what a gift that is. When you visit the body you loved and gave your whole being to bring forth and care for, but that ultimately became too weak to do the things she loved, stop the enemy from infiltrating your thoughts, Jesus was not with you every step of the way for you to be overcome with horrible thoughts now. He is still with you, and as Ephesians 6 commands, put on your armor, let the Lord continue to guard your heart and mind, let His armor block these fiery arrows. I don't know when the pain will subside enough for your mind and heart to comprehend her new life in Heaven but I pray God will allow you to see Nina as He sees her now in complete freedom with her Father who loves her deeply enough to protect her by bringing her Home.
    In the love of Christ,
    Vanessa Alves
    Tampa, Florida

  4. aaahhh.... thank you so much for sharing your story. for the harsh reality that you are going through on a daily basis. the clarity in your words are so sincere & so refresh... but so heartbreaking. we have continued to read nina's story... your story. we pray fervently for you, teddy & todd.

  5. Rosy, I have been there and done the same thing with my lost loved one. Over time, it will get easier and you will heal! Praying and thinking of you and family constantly. Blessings, Corinne

  6. I'm still praying! I will never forget your daughter or you family. The day she passed, her birthday and the weekend of her memorial are all important days in my family, and now they are even more. I don't know you, I have never met you. But I do feel like I know you because you have shared your story. I will always be praying for you family, and will always remember your family on those dates.

  7. You don't know me. I have followed your blog for a while now and fallen deeply in love with your sweet Nina. I have cried myself to sleep everynight since she slipped away from your arms. your story is so moving that I am truly speechless in what you have had to endure. Your blog has changed my life and for that I am deeply humbled. I am so very sorry that you lost her....My heart breaks for you all.

  8. O sweetie I am so sorry! I can't imagine the depth of your strength. God bless you!

  9. I am praying for you and your family with all my heart. I can't imagine how difficult this is and have witnessed from afar how your strength and faith have carried you through. I wish for you and your family a peace that surpasses all understanding... “And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:7 God bless you!