Thursday, March 3, 2011

Hearing Her

It has been over a week since Nina went to Heaven. I am taking it one step at a time, stepping forward toward the blessings in my life, focused exclusively on Teddy and helping him return to life. We are living happy moments that are intermittently interrupted with extreme sadness and heartache. It is sounds strange to say that we are living happy moments but we are, truly we are. For 6 months I jammed this mantra into Teddy's head but in fact what I was doing was pressing into my own soul!!!

Nina was sunshine in my life, in all our lives. Therefore, we must press forward with the same gusto that she had and seize sunshine wherever we can. It is not easy!!!! That doesn't even begin to describe the internal battle I am constantly waging!!

In the beginning I was worried I would crumble and that this journey would leave me an animal I did not even recognize. I did not crumble but I have been transformed. I am no longer the woman that I was on August 18th. I was consumed by this journey, by protecting my children, and I am a different person all together. I am no longer shackled by fear, no longer trapped by worry. I am now acutely aware of how precious life is and am determined to help the children in my life (Teddy, Sosie, Addie, Silas, Teague....) learn to recognize this and live life to the fullest!!!

Teddy has returned to school. I have been systematically attending school with him each day this week, adding a bit of time each day and fading myself slowly. Everyone at his school has been magnificent and willing to have me slowly reintroduce him to the safety and stability that school. He has not shed a tear about going to school. I told him life is now about communicating. That he needs to communicate to me what he needs and that I will help him. As I write this, he is sitting at the front of the class, happily participating in a math lesson, whispering into his buddy Will's ear when the teacher is not looking his way. This fills me with the utmost gratitude and happiness.

And in the middle of all of this.....I still hear Nina.

As I showered this morning, I swear I heard her squawking for me. I actually looked up toward the bathroom door to see if she was really calling. Then reality hit. She will never call for me again.

As I walked Teddy to his classroom, I saw the spot Nina would love to sit at and wait for me to return during morning drop off. I heard her say, "Mama I'm too tired to walk. I'm a gonna wait here. Promise!"

I hear her every where. But then again, I don't :(


  1. Rosy,

    I was so happy to see that you have posted on your blog, I feel as if your a friend and I wanted to know how my friend was doing. I hope that you continue to post to let us know how our friend is doing. May the peace and love of God be with you and your family. You and your family are always in my prayers. Take care, with Love,
    Anna Marie Bettencourt

  2. Rosy I have been thinking of you every minute of every day!! It was so good to see you and help celebrate Nina's life. It is so good to hear that Teddy has returned to school, he is such a special special lil guy! I am writing down some of my favorite Nina/Teddy rascal stories to send to you. Love you!

  3. I'm so glad you posted, I've thought about youand your family several times a day since first reading about your journey months ago. Nina is very much you (and with us all who fell in love with that little sweetie :) ). Angels are around us in our time of need, I know shes with you all :)

  4. Rosy,
    I used to put Angelo up to the mirror to experience a glimpse of what his twin would have been like. It sounds weird, but we do what we have to do to mend our hearts.

    Keep listening...

  5. It is good to hear from you, dear Rosy! There is hardly a moment that your family doesn't come to mind. I honestly find myself reflecting back on many things you have said since Aug. 19 and take so much of it to heart. When I want to throttle my teenager, I think of you and Nina and am thankful that I have her here. When I am ready to complain about some little thing, I am forced to be thankful for the peace I am experiencing at this time in life. I posted to Todd's FB and hope he shared with you what a blessing Nina has been in the life of our family! We definately take pleasure in smaller things and are thankful for each day we have. I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers! You are an extraordinary woman and God is using you in ways you can't imagine!

  6. Rosy,
    I met your wonderful husband at the SBJH night at MUS. I have been following your blog, shared with me by a mutual friend who's son is on the surf team at SBJH. You are an extraordinary woman; and my heart aches with such intensity for your family's loss. Yet, you manage to find blessings in life and are such an amazing mother, both for Nina and for your precious, brave, wise son Teddy. I feel we are friends though we have never met, because you have so openly shared this heartbreaking chapter in your life. Your strength is unbelievable, and as you know all too well, vulnerability is true strength as well. Nina is with you, she always will be. The light she created in this physical world transcends her passing and encompasses all of us who have been touched by her beautiful spirit.

  7. thinking of you almost every minute of the day since last week. knowing you were mama cubbing your baby boy while desperately hurting and missing nina.

    you have been so strong. i am inspired by your strength. you are an amazing mother and nina and teddy are lucky kids to have you.

    praying for you and your family. nina is beautiful.

  8. Thank you for posting Rosy. Since I only know your family through this blog, I have been longing to know how you were all doing since Nina's passing. I have been checking your blog several times a day, and anyone who is close to me knows how I have ached for you this week. I can't imagine.
    You continue to inspire me! Two of our five children have severe autism, and our only daughter has been feeling very "neglected" of late. She is the same age as your precious Teddy and she is the oldest. This morning she started to cry before going into the school building. I took a lesson from you, and let her go in late to class just so we could talk.
    Thank you Rosy for being an example of loving composure and self-sacrifice in the midst of your own hell.
    Loving and learning from you, and Todd, and Teddy, and Angel Nina from far away in NC,
    Christen Verroi
    PS - Let Teddy know that he has been such an encouragement to a little girl named Olivia.

  9. Dear Rosy.....I am so grateful to you that you were able to let us know how you daughter and I find ourselves checking this site several times a day, even though deep inside we couldn't even imagine how you could even think about letting people know how you were doing. It just shows me even more what an extraordinary person you are thinking of us in a time when you are experiencing the greatest pain your life has known. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your journey.....for teaching us all what it means to truly love, to find happiness in life despite heartwrenching circumstances, and to care enough to share such a truly personal life experience with others so that they can learn from you. You are a blessing.....Todd and Teddy are blessings......and Nina has carved a permanent place in my heart.....she is forever loved. God bless you in all or your days ahead.....will continue to check on you and your family constantly. With love from Rhode Island


  10. Rosy....
    Not a day passes...not an hour passes by that I do not have the Fredeen family in my thoughts. You are all such an inspiration. You are all changing lives around you. Your family have captured the hearts of thousands and continue to do so.

    Thank you for changing my life forever...I am enternally grateful!

    ~Love and Hugs always....

  11. Thank you for continuing to let us know how you are doing. Your family continues to be in my daily prayers. You are an inpiration and an amazing mother.

    May God bless you, Todd, and Teddy. You have a Saint in Heaven praying for you.

    With love,

  12. Dear Rosy...
    I was so glad to see your postings. I have been checking your blog everyday with hopes of some news from you. I was delighted to see that you had in fact posted and let all of your "other family" know how you are doing. As like many others that read your blog, I am simply amazed at your continued grace and heartfelt thoughts. For all of us that have followed your journey, your blog helps us stay close to you and your amazing family. I pray that peace and comfort surround you in the days and months ahead.
    You are an extraordinary woman.
    with love from Healdsburg

  13. Dear Rosy,
    Continuing to pray for your family....and yes--like the others posting above me...I too was checking the blog daily hoping to hear from you. Thank you for thinking of us!

    Continuing to pray for all of you!


  14. I love you! You have always,and still do amaze me. So amazing. So good to hug you and tell you I love you. Continue have so many blessings left in your life. Cherish Todd,Teddy,your family,and friends! Praying for you all, always.
    I love you, Sarah Brosius

  15. Rosy,

    I truly believe that God gives you the gift of hearing her to reassure you that she is still very much with you.

    You are a wonderful mom to Teddy. He is so blessed to have you. I wish you peace from this storm.

    God bless you and your family.

  16. Your story and your daughter's story have gripped me in a way that only one other journal has. It's not fair, what happened to your daughter. What you and the rest of her family have gone through isn't fair either.

    When my dad died, when I was 22, it took months for life to go back to anywhere near as normal as yours already is. You and your family are so much stronger than I was, than I could be if I lost my own little girl. I think if I lost my daughter, I'd literally die.

    While Nina may not be "really" calling for you, I believe that she is still calling. She knows still how to speak so that you can hear her. I don't care how hokie-pokie that sounds. It's what I believe. If people can "hear" god, why not loved ones that have passed? She IS calling you. Don't let anyone try to convince you otherwise.

    It is so special that she got to have her birthday. She got to have that big party just for her.

    ~Aria (I have no idea why it says "Greetings!" in place of my name.)

  17. I too am so glad you have posted again. I have been anxiously awaiting this post. I have kept your family in my prayers for the past week and will continue to lift you up in prayer.

  18. Rosy,
    I have carried you, your family & circle of friends in my heart & prayers for the last few weeks! I am another one checking in on your blog hoping to hear an update from you or to hear how the weekend of Celebrating Nina went. I kept an eye on the clock all day Saturday & Sunday thinking about how you were all doing.
    Over a year ago I heard an amazing woman speak at the California Governor's Women's Conference in Long Beach... she had a crazy amazing life story & was surviving an unthinkable experience with her husband/family. When asked "how did you get through those dark moments, hours & days?" her response was "I always looked for grace in every situation & in the simple things of the day. I was identify that God was with us in the most horrific moments when I was able to identify grace." She went on to say that grace doesn't always look the same - it might be a kind or caring gesture of a friend or a complete stranger; it might be a healing song that comes on the radio or is playing in a store while you're going through the mundane task of grocery shopping... you get the idea. I pray for you that you will be able to identify grace, God's grace, with you as a constant companion throughout your days!
    Please continue to bless all of us "stranger friends" by sharing your heart & life.

  19. Dear Rosy, I live in South Australia and have been following this blog for many months. I can't even remember how I came across it? I'm sure you cannot begin to imagine the people and countries that this blog has touched. I think of you often and pray for you regularly. I am so very sorry for your loss but wanted to tell you that never have I ever come across such an awesome mother and woman of God. I cannot even think of the words to write. I wanted to express my love for your family during this time. I do hope you will continue to post your journey. Much love and may God continue to bless you. Kasey.

  20. Dear Rosy,

    I am new to your blog and wanted to say that I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Nina.

    My youngest son Christian passed away in August 2008. I still miss my almost 4 year old and I still cry, but God has been SO faithful! Keep trusting Him, Rosy. Keep fighting for JOY!

    You and your family are in my prayers. If you ever want to chat or email, please know that you have a listening ear.

    Love in Christ,

    But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope.

    For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him.

    For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we which are alive and remain unto the coming of the Lord shall not prevent them which are asleep.

    For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first:

    Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord.

    Wherefore comfort one another with these words.

    -I Thessalonians 4:13-18