Nina: Mama, am I going to be like this forever?
Rosy: What do you mean?
Nina: Am I going to be sick forever?
Rosy: No, honey you're not going to be sick forever.
Nina: When am I going to be better?
Rosy: The doctors are going to tell us. You're taking medicine to feel better and you're tummy is feeling better right?
Nina: Yes, but I don't like feeling sick. I don't want to be sick any more.
Rosy: I know honey.
Nina: I don't like feeling yucky....all the time I feel like this...I can't sleep....I need it cold....I need cold stuff in bed and to sleep on you...
Rosy: I know honey, you can sleep on me as long as you want to....remember you have been sleeping well....just last night...I'm so sorry honey
Nina: I don't like how I look....all the time....I am scared....I'm scared of the people....I stare at them and they stare at me....I only want to be in the stroller....my feet hurt all of the time
Rosy: It's okay if you want to be in the stroller...I understand....
Nina: I never get to do anything fun....of the kids get to have fun
Rosy: What are you talking about honey?
Nina: All of the kids get to go to the play structure and run....I can't go to the play structure....I only do boring things....all I do is boring things
Rosy: We can go to the park and go to the play structure
Nina: NO!! (yells at me) I don't want to go to the play structure
Rosy: What would you like to do honey?
Nina: I don't know (very sad!)
Rosy: Do you want to go to the Zoo or to ZoDo's or to the beach?
Nina: I don't know
Rosy: You are so brave Nina....I know you're tired....how about we go to Michaels...we can find a Christmas decoration
Nina: Ya...Christmas decoration....can we buy one for Teddy?
Rosy: Of course! (at this point I wanted to slam the car door on my hand or at least cut myself somewhere!!)
I am not exaggerating. This is exactly how our conversation went. Somehow I did not burst into tears...I don't know how I didn't! I did what I do best....fucking redirect!!!
All I wanted to do was take the pain my precious, sweet, amazing, brave little girl was feeling and pour it onto myself. I have never wanted to hurt myself so badly!!! All I kept thinking was that no one would ever notice if I cut myself on the thigh!!! A small cut would feel so good, would release the searing pain that was inside my soul! Please,please, please, please don't worry!! This thought was in my head for a split second. I will not be cutting myself and I don't need to have 5,000 people checking my thighs for cut marks. It is perfectly natural for these thoughts to cross my mind. People experiencing severe pain like I am have these thoughts pop into their heads on occasion, it is normal, it's just that most people won't admit that they have these thoughts. Every one is so amazed at my strength....well I have little of it....I just control myself well because I have a daughter and son who desperately need their mama to be solid and have the mind-set to take care of them. I WILL take care of my children....nothing will prevent me from doing so, not even my own pain!
The most insane part of this whole conversation is that the hospice nurses literally had just asked me yesterday (Monday) afternoon if Nina was asking any questions about her illness. I had assured them that all she had been asking was how much longer she had to take medication. She had mentioned in previous weeks that she didn't like the way she looked but she hadn't done so in a while. Of course this would happen right after I had convinced myself that she was okay. How can she be okay???? She feels bad! She knows she's not healthy! She knows she is different, not the same Nina!!! She knows that we are all worried!!! This is not, NOT, not FAIR!!!! How can I tell my precious baby anything else other than that she is going to get better! I can't burden her with the reality of what is happening!!! And I am NOT lying to her!!! I am NOT!!! She is going to get better!!! She is either going to be healed from this monster and get to live a long and happy life with us here on this earth or she is going to be healed from a spiritual stand-point and go to Heaven a perfect angel!! Either way she is going to be healed and either way I'm not lying to her!!!
|Our Beautiful Honey-Girl June 2010|