Tuesday November 30, 2010
I spent the day in LA attending appointments and then visiting with the Marbans for a bit. Their company is always soothing to my soul. However, I need to stop calling their daughter Cristina "Nina". I must do that at least once every 30 minutes :( She doesn't seem to mind, sweet girl, but I need to pull it together!
Around dinner time, I got a call from Mario. He was checking in like I had asked before starting tutoring with Teddy. I outlined what I wanted him to focus on and how I had prepared a bag for him and Erik with tutoring materials and rewards so that Teddy would see everything coming from them instead of his controlling mother. Mario listened quietly to my endless litany of instructions and then calmly said, "Rosy, I've got it. Don't worry, I can handle this...you do remember what I do and who I work with right?" I concurred and reminded him about the rewards (little tiny Lego people) to which the smart-alack replied, "I'll use them when necessary but I'm pretty sure wrestle-fighting will be the reward." In essence, he told me to calm down without literally telling me to calm down. It's just totally different when it's your own child. Mario and Erik are totally capable of tutoring Teddy without my micro-management and I appreciate them tolerating my momminess but....he is my boy and I will be his mama, always worrying and planning! Plus, I love it how these guys forget that all the tricks, strategies and skills they have are because I trained them so well :)
Twenty minutes into the tutoring session I texted Todd to find out how it was going. He texted back Cried at first, better now. Well....that was enough to freak me out so I immediately called him and asked what the heck had happened. He explained that Teddy had cried for about 5 minutes but that since that they'd been laughing, wrestling, and doing well. Phew!!!!!!
After dinner, I hugged my dear friends the Marbans goodbye. I got a reprieve on my drive back home...no traffic!! By the time I got home, the kids were brushing teeth and heading to bed. I tucked Teddy in and checked in with Teddy about tutoring. He said, "Mario was fun....tutoring sucks!!!! Can I be done now?" Gotta love his persistence!!! I kissed his sweet face, which he knew meant NO and cuddled with him until he fell asleep. I love hearing him sleep. I just want to make sure all of Teddy's needs are being met in the middle of this nightmare! He is such a precious boy and needs us to protect and nurture him in all capacities!
I crawled out of his bed and went to check on Nina. I prayed that she'd sleep well tonight. I was exhausted and she had been waking up consistently in the middle of the night since Thanksgiving. I found my honey-girl, kissed her sweet cheeks and then passed out myself!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Day 104
Monday November 29, 2010
The Thanksgiving Holiday was fabulous....
Now, back to reality....
But what is reality for me these days....let's see....
1. 7:30am: Wake up Teddy and get him ready for school (yes I wake him up late...he is hideous in the mornings....total avoidance responding on my part...also why I always feed him in bed....it's like me giving a replacement behavior....instead of hearing him whine and contemplate all the reasons life sucks first thing in the morning I shove a piece of toast in his pie-hole....works...most of the times at least!)
2. 8:08am: Get in car with Teddy and hot cup of coffee (everything with a fresh cup of coffee is much more tolerable....especially if it has a dash of French Vanilla creamer in it...the real stuff, not the cheapo imitation stuff my father-in-law buys...yucko! Big shout out to the 15th Century Ethiopians who figured out what to do with the coffee bean plant!!!)
3. 8:17am: Start daily therapy by checking in with friend Holly.
4. 8:20am: Return home and feed the Queen
5. 8:30am: Hop in shower
6. 8:40am: Drink second cup of coffee (remember to thank God again for the Ethiopians!)
7. 8:45am: Start providing Queen with options for attire (get yelled at least 3 times....eventually a decision is reached and I humbly change her Royal Pain in the #%^&*!!!).
8. 9:15am: Check onslaught of texts, emails, and phone calls (try to figure out who will be pissed off the most if I don't promptly return their call....just joking...).
9. 9:30am: Quickly drink third cup of coffee and develop the courage to tell Queen we have a doctors appointment (prepare for the stink eye!!! man that stink eye is scary!!!)
10. 9:45am: Put shoes on Queen, load her up in car, all while getting yelled at (so much fun to be yelled at and told you're a bad mama first thing in the morning! During these moments I find myself drifting off into bizarre episodes of running famous show tunes in my head....frequently I find myself playing the part of Maria in West Side Story....As Nina screams insults at me, I find myself singing in my head "I feel pretty, Oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and gay...." For those of you under 30, the word "gay" in this song is used in reference to feeling happy and jovial, not to sexual orientation! Anywhoo....slipping away into la-la-land helps me not freak out! At least I'm keeping these singing episodes in my head...I could only imagine the looks I'd get if I walked through Vons belting out "I feel pretty, Oh so pretty....)
11. 10:00am: Arrive at Oncology office to start Nina's chemo
12. 10:02am: Hear Nina cry about getting poked for the millionth time
13. 10:03am: Pray that Nina won't cry for too long and that there won't be any complications
14. 10:04am: Definitely not feeling pretty...stupid song!!
15. 10:05am: Distracting Nina with Mahjong on Ipad
16. 10:10am: Realized that reality sucks!!!! Call friend for 4th cup of coffee...extra strong!!!
Bottom line, we have no "normal" reality. Our lives have been turned upside down. We never know what to expect, what will improve, what will collapse! Since August 19th I have spent my days playing nurse, advocate, therapist, short-order cook, whipping girl, punching bag, etc. I am NO longer the same person. I had no other option but to change!
This morning we did the Avastin treatment. Started off well....then about half way through, Nina started to scream that her skin was burning!!! My poor, precious baby!! Somehow, the needle had come out of the port and the chemo was flushing subcutaneously!!!! Pam took the port out immediately and we figured out that because of all the weight she has put on the half inch needle wasn't long enough any more, that we required a one inch needle. Nina was pretty traumatized and I have to confess that internally I was too!!! So....the new plan was to go home and have lunch, hopefully allowing the swelling to subside and then return a couple of hours later to finish the second half of the chemo. AGHHH!!!! Really???? How shitty!!! Poor sweetie! I loaded her up and asked her what she wanted for lunch since our friend had offered to pick some up and deliver to the house. Of course she wanted....Panda Express. I explained what was happening (she didn't protest God bless her!) and we proceeded home.
On the drive home, I called Todd and arranged for him to pick up Teddy from school. So much for "normal"!!! But then again, that went out the door August 19th!!! We had a lovely lunch and played Wii until our hearts were content. In addition to orange chicken and rice, Nina got a darling stuffed Panda Bear. This made her smile. I am repeatedly astonished at the strength of this child! Every time I start feeling sorry for myself I remind myself to look to my side and see what true strength and courage is!!! Nina, in her 5 year old body, embodies more courage, strength and perseverance than most 50 year old adults. She is my inspiration!!!
At 2pm we returned to the Oncology office. This time, Nina didn't even scream when she got accessed. Again, I was in awe!!! The rest of the Avastin treatment went without a glitch....thank God!!! I think all of the nurses were also praying that it would go without a hitch, worried that I might go postal!
After the intravenous chemo, I dropped off Nina with Todd and ran to CVSTimador (pill form of the chemo) that we were suppose to start tomorrow. Well...the lovely pharmacist informed me that the order wasn't called in and that I'd have to come back tomorrow. Lovely!!! Where is my Margarita-making Umpa Lumpa when I need him?!?!?
By the time I returned home, I was exhausted. Sweet Nina was playing Wii with Todd and beating him of course. I returned a few phone calls before calling Teddy in to do homework. As if my day hadn't been a struggle enough, the boy had to push the envelope. I can't say that he didn't try to contain himself. He did. On multiple occasions he caught himself becoming whinny or obnoxious and corrected himself. Unfortunately for him, by the time we started homework together I was already on a short string. My patience was non-existent and apparently it was obvious to him. I mean, I felt myself getting frustrated, but I thought I was controlling it, hiding it pretty well. That delusion came crashing down the moment he turned to me and said, "Mom...I know you're frustrated but thanks for not yelling at me. You're doing a good job!" What the hell??? Since when is my rascally 8 year old reinforcing my attempts at composure!! I laughed and prompted him to continue. He didn't blink an eye and proceeded forward.
After about 45 minutes (this assignment should have taken 20 minutes at the longest!) he was done. Before excusing him to go back outdoors, I told him I needed to talk to him about something. Here is a summary of our conversation in my favorite format:
R: Okay buddy, so...remember when we talked about getting you a couple of tutors?
T: Yeah (sighs in defeat!)
R: Well....we found them and you're going to start tomorrow. You're going to have one tutor come Monday and Thursdays and the other come Tuesdays and Wednesdays.
T: (Sighs extremely loudly, making sure I knew he felt defeated and discouraged!) Okay, so....who is it?
R: Well the good thing is you already know them. I was able to find two guys to come hang out with you and I think it's gonna be a ton of fun!
T: Who?
R: Well the first is Mario...(I get interrupted!!!)
T: (total HISTRIONICS!!!) MARIO......How could you do this to me??!?!?!? All you ever want to do is embarrass me and destroy my life!!! Why would you want to do this to me (tears and snot rolling down like a cascading waterfall) Mario's my buddy....he comes over to hang out and play basketball and wrestle-fight and now he knows I need help....(more sobbing)
R: Teddy, come on, Mario loves you.....(I try to rub his back but he pushes my hand aside and continues with his lunatic diatribe!)
T: I can't believe you'd do this to me....what kind of mom are you....all you ever want to do is embarrass me....not Mario, why Mario?!!?!? This is awful (sobbing terror!!). Why M-A-R-I-O??? (ridiculous crying!)
R: Teddy, this is unnecessary....Mario is great and you're going to have such a good time with him
T: Who's the other one?
R: Well, you've met him before...he's come over to the house to do some work with me and we had coffee with him and his girlfriend last week...remember Erik?
T: (screams!) Erik....who the heck is Erik??? I don't know an Erik??? I don't want a total stranger to come tutor me....I only want Mario....make it only be Mario (intensity of crying increases....didn't see that one coming!!)
R: Come on Teddy, Erik will be great. That's what Mario and Erik do....they tutor kids all day and teach them so it's totally natural for them....it's not going to be hard, they're just going to help you get really good at your math facts and reading....
T: But I am better.....I promise I won't tantrum anymore (sobbing, wiping snot from face, eye red, face blotchy, cute freckled nose...I want to kiss him:(.....I know he feels ganged up on...but it has to happen)
R: Teddy you are getting better and I'm proud of you but like Mrs. Checchio said you could use the extra practice....honey you know that you're incredibly smart and lots of kids have tutors...this has nothing to do with me not thinking you're smart....
T: No one has tutors....you just want to embarrass me....this is A-W-F-U-L!!!! (crying intensifies again!) you're such a mean mama!!!
R: Okay Teddy....look there are two choices here....you can either accept that you're going to have tutors and be calm about it or you can fight it and be miserable and make everyone else miserable too. Either way, you're going to have the guys come over.
T: (pauses crying enough to look at me with the stink eye) Fine....but I only want Mario!
R: Buddy, you don't get to give orders. Both of the guys are awesome and you're going to have to well with them both. I'm not talking about this anymore. I'm going downstairs. You can be excused as soon as you're all calm.
Sooo.....the day starts off shitty...and ends shitty....where is my Umpa Lumpa?!?!?
The Thanksgiving Holiday was fabulous....
Now, back to reality....
But what is reality for me these days....let's see....
1. 7:30am: Wake up Teddy and get him ready for school (yes I wake him up late...he is hideous in the mornings....total avoidance responding on my part...also why I always feed him in bed....it's like me giving a replacement behavior....instead of hearing him whine and contemplate all the reasons life sucks first thing in the morning I shove a piece of toast in his pie-hole....works...most of the times at least!)
2. 8:08am: Get in car with Teddy and hot cup of coffee (everything with a fresh cup of coffee is much more tolerable....especially if it has a dash of French Vanilla creamer in it...the real stuff, not the cheapo imitation stuff my father-in-law buys...yucko! Big shout out to the 15th Century Ethiopians who figured out what to do with the coffee bean plant!!!)
3. 8:17am: Start daily therapy by checking in with friend Holly.
4. 8:20am: Return home and feed the Queen
5. 8:30am: Hop in shower
6. 8:40am: Drink second cup of coffee (remember to thank God again for the Ethiopians!)
7. 8:45am: Start providing Queen with options for attire (get yelled at least 3 times....eventually a decision is reached and I humbly change her Royal Pain in the #%^&*!!!).
8. 9:15am: Check onslaught of texts, emails, and phone calls (try to figure out who will be pissed off the most if I don't promptly return their call....just joking...).
9. 9:30am: Quickly drink third cup of coffee and develop the courage to tell Queen we have a doctors appointment (prepare for the stink eye!!! man that stink eye is scary!!!)
10. 9:45am: Put shoes on Queen, load her up in car, all while getting yelled at (so much fun to be yelled at and told you're a bad mama first thing in the morning! During these moments I find myself drifting off into bizarre episodes of running famous show tunes in my head....frequently I find myself playing the part of Maria in West Side Story....As Nina screams insults at me, I find myself singing in my head "I feel pretty, Oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and gay...." For those of you under 30, the word "gay" in this song is used in reference to feeling happy and jovial, not to sexual orientation! Anywhoo....slipping away into la-la-land helps me not freak out! At least I'm keeping these singing episodes in my head...I could only imagine the looks I'd get if I walked through Vons belting out "I feel pretty, Oh so pretty....)
11. 10:00am: Arrive at Oncology office to start Nina's chemo
12. 10:02am: Hear Nina cry about getting poked for the millionth time
13. 10:03am: Pray that Nina won't cry for too long and that there won't be any complications
14. 10:04am: Definitely not feeling pretty...stupid song!!
15. 10:05am: Distracting Nina with Mahjong on Ipad
16. 10:10am: Realized that reality sucks!!!! Call friend for 4th cup of coffee...extra strong!!!
Bottom line, we have no "normal" reality. Our lives have been turned upside down. We never know what to expect, what will improve, what will collapse! Since August 19th I have spent my days playing nurse, advocate, therapist, short-order cook, whipping girl, punching bag, etc. I am NO longer the same person. I had no other option but to change!
This morning we did the Avastin treatment. Started off well....then about half way through, Nina started to scream that her skin was burning!!! My poor, precious baby!! Somehow, the needle had come out of the port and the chemo was flushing subcutaneously!!!! Pam took the port out immediately and we figured out that because of all the weight she has put on the half inch needle wasn't long enough any more, that we required a one inch needle. Nina was pretty traumatized and I have to confess that internally I was too!!! So....the new plan was to go home and have lunch, hopefully allowing the swelling to subside and then return a couple of hours later to finish the second half of the chemo. AGHHH!!!! Really???? How shitty!!! Poor sweetie! I loaded her up and asked her what she wanted for lunch since our friend had offered to pick some up and deliver to the house. Of course she wanted....Panda Express. I explained what was happening (she didn't protest God bless her!) and we proceeded home.
On the drive home, I called Todd and arranged for him to pick up Teddy from school. So much for "normal"!!! But then again, that went out the door August 19th!!! We had a lovely lunch and played Wii until our hearts were content. In addition to orange chicken and rice, Nina got a darling stuffed Panda Bear. This made her smile. I am repeatedly astonished at the strength of this child! Every time I start feeling sorry for myself I remind myself to look to my side and see what true strength and courage is!!! Nina, in her 5 year old body, embodies more courage, strength and perseverance than most 50 year old adults. She is my inspiration!!!
At 2pm we returned to the Oncology office. This time, Nina didn't even scream when she got accessed. Again, I was in awe!!! The rest of the Avastin treatment went without a glitch....thank God!!! I think all of the nurses were also praying that it would go without a hitch, worried that I might go postal!
After the intravenous chemo, I dropped off Nina with Todd and ran to CVSTimador (pill form of the chemo) that we were suppose to start tomorrow. Well...the lovely pharmacist informed me that the order wasn't called in and that I'd have to come back tomorrow. Lovely!!! Where is my Margarita-making Umpa Lumpa when I need him?!?!?
By the time I returned home, I was exhausted. Sweet Nina was playing Wii with Todd and beating him of course. I returned a few phone calls before calling Teddy in to do homework. As if my day hadn't been a struggle enough, the boy had to push the envelope. I can't say that he didn't try to contain himself. He did. On multiple occasions he caught himself becoming whinny or obnoxious and corrected himself. Unfortunately for him, by the time we started homework together I was already on a short string. My patience was non-existent and apparently it was obvious to him. I mean, I felt myself getting frustrated, but I thought I was controlling it, hiding it pretty well. That delusion came crashing down the moment he turned to me and said, "Mom...I know you're frustrated but thanks for not yelling at me. You're doing a good job!" What the hell??? Since when is my rascally 8 year old reinforcing my attempts at composure!! I laughed and prompted him to continue. He didn't blink an eye and proceeded forward.
After about 45 minutes (this assignment should have taken 20 minutes at the longest!) he was done. Before excusing him to go back outdoors, I told him I needed to talk to him about something. Here is a summary of our conversation in my favorite format:
R: Okay buddy, so...remember when we talked about getting you a couple of tutors?
T: Yeah (sighs in defeat!)
R: Well....we found them and you're going to start tomorrow. You're going to have one tutor come Monday and Thursdays and the other come Tuesdays and Wednesdays.
T: (Sighs extremely loudly, making sure I knew he felt defeated and discouraged!) Okay, so....who is it?
R: Well the good thing is you already know them. I was able to find two guys to come hang out with you and I think it's gonna be a ton of fun!
T: Who?
R: Well the first is Mario...(I get interrupted!!!)
T: (total HISTRIONICS!!!) MARIO......How could you do this to me??!?!?!? All you ever want to do is embarrass me and destroy my life!!! Why would you want to do this to me (tears and snot rolling down like a cascading waterfall) Mario's my buddy....he comes over to hang out and play basketball and wrestle-fight and now he knows I need help....(more sobbing)
R: Teddy, come on, Mario loves you.....(I try to rub his back but he pushes my hand aside and continues with his lunatic diatribe!)
T: I can't believe you'd do this to me....what kind of mom are you....all you ever want to do is embarrass me....not Mario, why Mario?!!?!? This is awful (sobbing terror!!). Why M-A-R-I-O??? (ridiculous crying!)
R: Teddy, this is unnecessary....Mario is great and you're going to have such a good time with him
T: Who's the other one?
R: Well, you've met him before...he's come over to the house to do some work with me and we had coffee with him and his girlfriend last week...remember Erik?
T: (screams!) Erik....who the heck is Erik??? I don't know an Erik??? I don't want a total stranger to come tutor me....I only want Mario....make it only be Mario (intensity of crying increases....didn't see that one coming!!)
R: Come on Teddy, Erik will be great. That's what Mario and Erik do....they tutor kids all day and teach them so it's totally natural for them....it's not going to be hard, they're just going to help you get really good at your math facts and reading....
T: But I am better.....I promise I won't tantrum anymore (sobbing, wiping snot from face, eye red, face blotchy, cute freckled nose...I want to kiss him:(.....I know he feels ganged up on...but it has to happen)
R: Teddy you are getting better and I'm proud of you but like Mrs. Checchio said you could use the extra practice....honey you know that you're incredibly smart and lots of kids have tutors...this has nothing to do with me not thinking you're smart....
T: No one has tutors....you just want to embarrass me....this is A-W-F-U-L!!!! (crying intensifies again!) you're such a mean mama!!!
R: Okay Teddy....look there are two choices here....you can either accept that you're going to have tutors and be calm about it or you can fight it and be miserable and make everyone else miserable too. Either way, you're going to have the guys come over.
T: (pauses crying enough to look at me with the stink eye) Fine....but I only want Mario!
R: Buddy, you don't get to give orders. Both of the guys are awesome and you're going to have to well with them both. I'm not talking about this anymore. I'm going downstairs. You can be excused as soon as you're all calm.
Sooo.....the day starts off shitty...and ends shitty....where is my Umpa Lumpa?!?!?
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Day 103
Sunday November 28, 2010
I officially dislike goodbyes!!!
My folks, Bruno and Michelle all took us to the airport. Nina cried when we got into the plane. She didn't want to say goodbye. Inside my heart, I was also crying!!! Inside I was breaking with grief over the pain I saw in my family's eyes. I could see their souls sobbing and it killed me!!!
Once inside the plane (Thank you Don and Jamie!) Nina calmed down within seconds and waved goodbye. She let me put the headphones on and asked me if we were going to go through the clouds again. I replied yes and she propped herself up in the seat, as if trying to ensure the most optimal view of the sky :) This trip was marked by turbulence. On multiple occasions she looked at me, just to check in and assess how I was responding. I just smiled and pointed out something interesting. Children gage their emotions on ours. If we are calm, they are more likely to be calm. If we panic, they are more likely to do the same. At one point, I texted my friends that I felt like we were on the Indian Jones ride at Disneyland and that the engine sounded like an lawnmower, just to freak people out :) Mission accomplished!!! I got a dozen texts telling me they were praying for our safety, which I appreciated, but we were never in danger! Don, our pilot, was astounding and the nicest man ever!
Nina especially loved it when we were flying over the ocean. I enjoyed watching her intense facial expressions, a mix between intense observation and childish curiosity! Pure sweetness any way you dice it :) On our descent into SB Airport, we almost hit a bird. Correction...a bird almost hit us. The pilot turned to me and said, "That was a close one!" I could tell his heart was racing. Mine wasn't!! Of course a bird would hit our plane. If something can go wrong, it will with me!
We landed safely and were greeted by two very happy boys. We hugged Don and Jamie goodbye and thanked them for their abounding generosity! Nina was delighted to see her Dada and Teddy. We returned home and the first thing she did was resume her rightful spot on the mattress....the Queen was back and was claiming what was hers :)
The rest of the afternoon was filled with "normal" errands to the store for milk, loads of laundry, and last minute completion of homework assignments. I was so grateful for the treasure we had been given as a family. We had Thanksgiving all together!! Back in August this seemed impossible to me! But God had blessed us and I couldn't thank Him enough for all the little miracles in our life! Unfortunately, when being thankful for all the small miracles, it is impossible to not have my mind wander to the biggest miracle of all, and how we so deeply desire it! We will all continue to pray and we will all continue to be thankful!
I officially dislike goodbyes!!!
My folks, Bruno and Michelle all took us to the airport. Nina cried when we got into the plane. She didn't want to say goodbye. Inside my heart, I was also crying!!! Inside I was breaking with grief over the pain I saw in my family's eyes. I could see their souls sobbing and it killed me!!!
Once inside the plane (Thank you Don and Jamie!) Nina calmed down within seconds and waved goodbye. She let me put the headphones on and asked me if we were going to go through the clouds again. I replied yes and she propped herself up in the seat, as if trying to ensure the most optimal view of the sky :) This trip was marked by turbulence. On multiple occasions she looked at me, just to check in and assess how I was responding. I just smiled and pointed out something interesting. Children gage their emotions on ours. If we are calm, they are more likely to be calm. If we panic, they are more likely to do the same. At one point, I texted my friends that I felt like we were on the Indian Jones ride at Disneyland and that the engine sounded like an lawnmower, just to freak people out :) Mission accomplished!!! I got a dozen texts telling me they were praying for our safety, which I appreciated, but we were never in danger! Don, our pilot, was astounding and the nicest man ever!
 |
| Flying over the Central Valley |
 |
| I love this photo!!! It makes me want to smooch her over and over again!!! |
Nina especially loved it when we were flying over the ocean. I enjoyed watching her intense facial expressions, a mix between intense observation and childish curiosity! Pure sweetness any way you dice it :) On our descent into SB Airport, we almost hit a bird. Correction...a bird almost hit us. The pilot turned to me and said, "That was a close one!" I could tell his heart was racing. Mine wasn't!! Of course a bird would hit our plane. If something can go wrong, it will with me!
We landed safely and were greeted by two very happy boys. We hugged Don and Jamie goodbye and thanked them for their abounding generosity! Nina was delighted to see her Dada and Teddy. We returned home and the first thing she did was resume her rightful spot on the mattress....the Queen was back and was claiming what was hers :)
The rest of the afternoon was filled with "normal" errands to the store for milk, loads of laundry, and last minute completion of homework assignments. I was so grateful for the treasure we had been given as a family. We had Thanksgiving all together!! Back in August this seemed impossible to me! But God had blessed us and I couldn't thank Him enough for all the little miracles in our life! Unfortunately, when being thankful for all the small miracles, it is impossible to not have my mind wander to the biggest miracle of all, and how we so deeply desire it! We will all continue to pray and we will all continue to be thankful!
Day 102
Saturday November 27, 2010
Another crummy night of sleep for our honey-girl. This time she was up 1-4am. Poor sweetie!! Consequently, everyone slept in. When we all woke up....it was time to start saying goodbye :(
Goodbyes are never easy, especially these days. Today was filled with goodbyes. First we went by the Hollingers (Todd's cousins) and said goodbye to Silas and the other cousins there. Again, Nina didn't want to go in because she was worried people would stare :( but once she saw little cousin Evelyn she cheered up. Then we stopped by Todd's grandmother's home. Great-grandma Marge was happy to see us and the kids were so sweet to her. Great-grandma Marge is in her early 90s and although she has had chronic health complications the last number of years, she has a ton of spunk which I admire! Nina whispered, "Does she take medicine like me?". I assume she asked that because she had seen bottles of medicine. I whispered yes and Nina smiled. It always seems to make her smile when she finds out she isn't the only one taking medicine. Sweet girl!
Then it was time for Todd and Teddy to leave. Teddy was furious about leaving. He complained about how it was always too short and how we should live with the cousins. To his horror, I insisted that we talk through his feelings. He retorted, "Don't you ever stop talking?". I don't!!! When will this kid figure that out?!?!? I waited until he was calm enough and we proceeded to talk about focusing on the positive, the fun times we had with the cousins, instead of lamenting the length of time or the negative. I know Teddy understands what I am saying and trying to help him learn to do, but it goes against his temperament. This is going to be a long journey with him but a necessary one. I plan to continue to focus on this with him, especially now, because I believe it will in essence be preparing him for the worst. By focusing on "reframing" and training him to look at the positive now, I hope it will prevent him from thinking that this focus only emerged because of Nina's illness. I just pray that his little heart and precious mind be protected!!! I wish I could carry his grief, shield him from this pain!!! I wish I could do that for everyone I love!!!
Finally, Todd finished packing up the car and loading up the dog and cat! Mel (the dog) was glad we weren't leaving her behind and Max (the damn cat) made himself comfortable on the passenger seat! That cat is a freak!! The entire time at my folks, he tortured my parent's cat who is older and three times his size. Poor Li (my folk's cat) even got booted out of his own bed!!!!
Goodbyes are not fun!!! As I said, especially now!! Nina cried when she hugged her daddy goodbye! Thankfully, Auntie Shannon had come prepared with activities so we were able to easily redirect Nina. Within seconds (to my relief and Todd's) the tears were dried up and Nina was happily coloring Christmas decorations with Teague and Adelae. I texted Todd to let him know that all was well so he wouldn't worry. We had decided that he and Teddy should go home today instead of when Nina and I fly out tomorrow because that way Teddy could have a full day of rest back before returning to school on Monday.
In the afternoon, my mom's older sister Rosa and her friend Lucia came down from the Bay Area for a visit. It was delightful to see my aunts and spend time with them. They showered Nina and Teddy with gifts and I was thankful to see my parents receive support! My aunt Rosa has an infectious laugh! You can't help but laugh right along with her! God knows we need laughter in our lives and it made me happy to see my parents laughing and having a good evening!
Adelae spent the night once again. Nina was happy to have her big cousin all to herself! They hung out on the couch and watched the Disney Channel and put together the puzzles my aunts had brought. While the girls hung out, I packed up the rest of our belongings. I didn't like the feeling of Is this the last time that kept creeping into my head so I kept pushing it out. When that didn't work, I texted my friends for moral support. Text and thy shall receive!!
Both the girls fell asleep quickly and lucky for me, slept through the night! However, I was a different story. I was a night owl! I worked on email and letters of recommendation. Then around 11pm my Aunt Rosa found me in my father's office and came in to chat with me. It was good to have her to myself for a bit. I have always deeply loved my aunt and appreciated her company and positive outlook on life. She explained that she was worried about me and wanted to know how to help. We talked about my plans, fears, and hopes and came up with a few ways where she could support me, primarily by pouring love into my parents. She then gave me a really big hug. It felt wonderful!!! As she walked out, I rested my head on my hands. I understand how helpless she felt. Everyone wants to know how to help and support us. Everyone worries about us. All I can say is that we need continued prayer and love. There is no guidebook for this mess. But you can never go wrong with prayer and love!!1
Another crummy night of sleep for our honey-girl. This time she was up 1-4am. Poor sweetie!! Consequently, everyone slept in. When we all woke up....it was time to start saying goodbye :(
Goodbyes are never easy, especially these days. Today was filled with goodbyes. First we went by the Hollingers (Todd's cousins) and said goodbye to Silas and the other cousins there. Again, Nina didn't want to go in because she was worried people would stare :( but once she saw little cousin Evelyn she cheered up. Then we stopped by Todd's grandmother's home. Great-grandma Marge was happy to see us and the kids were so sweet to her. Great-grandma Marge is in her early 90s and although she has had chronic health complications the last number of years, she has a ton of spunk which I admire! Nina whispered, "Does she take medicine like me?". I assume she asked that because she had seen bottles of medicine. I whispered yes and Nina smiled. It always seems to make her smile when she finds out she isn't the only one taking medicine. Sweet girl!
Then it was time for Todd and Teddy to leave. Teddy was furious about leaving. He complained about how it was always too short and how we should live with the cousins. To his horror, I insisted that we talk through his feelings. He retorted, "Don't you ever stop talking?". I don't!!! When will this kid figure that out?!?!? I waited until he was calm enough and we proceeded to talk about focusing on the positive, the fun times we had with the cousins, instead of lamenting the length of time or the negative. I know Teddy understands what I am saying and trying to help him learn to do, but it goes against his temperament. This is going to be a long journey with him but a necessary one. I plan to continue to focus on this with him, especially now, because I believe it will in essence be preparing him for the worst. By focusing on "reframing" and training him to look at the positive now, I hope it will prevent him from thinking that this focus only emerged because of Nina's illness. I just pray that his little heart and precious mind be protected!!! I wish I could carry his grief, shield him from this pain!!! I wish I could do that for everyone I love!!!
Finally, Todd finished packing up the car and loading up the dog and cat! Mel (the dog) was glad we weren't leaving her behind and Max (the damn cat) made himself comfortable on the passenger seat! That cat is a freak!! The entire time at my folks, he tortured my parent's cat who is older and three times his size. Poor Li (my folk's cat) even got booted out of his own bed!!!!
Goodbyes are not fun!!! As I said, especially now!! Nina cried when she hugged her daddy goodbye! Thankfully, Auntie Shannon had come prepared with activities so we were able to easily redirect Nina. Within seconds (to my relief and Todd's) the tears were dried up and Nina was happily coloring Christmas decorations with Teague and Adelae. I texted Todd to let him know that all was well so he wouldn't worry. We had decided that he and Teddy should go home today instead of when Nina and I fly out tomorrow because that way Teddy could have a full day of rest back before returning to school on Monday.
In the afternoon, my mom's older sister Rosa and her friend Lucia came down from the Bay Area for a visit. It was delightful to see my aunts and spend time with them. They showered Nina and Teddy with gifts and I was thankful to see my parents receive support! My aunt Rosa has an infectious laugh! You can't help but laugh right along with her! God knows we need laughter in our lives and it made me happy to see my parents laughing and having a good evening!
Adelae spent the night once again. Nina was happy to have her big cousin all to herself! They hung out on the couch and watched the Disney Channel and put together the puzzles my aunts had brought. While the girls hung out, I packed up the rest of our belongings. I didn't like the feeling of Is this the last time that kept creeping into my head so I kept pushing it out. When that didn't work, I texted my friends for moral support. Text and thy shall receive!!
Both the girls fell asleep quickly and lucky for me, slept through the night! However, I was a different story. I was a night owl! I worked on email and letters of recommendation. Then around 11pm my Aunt Rosa found me in my father's office and came in to chat with me. It was good to have her to myself for a bit. I have always deeply loved my aunt and appreciated her company and positive outlook on life. She explained that she was worried about me and wanted to know how to help. We talked about my plans, fears, and hopes and came up with a few ways where she could support me, primarily by pouring love into my parents. She then gave me a really big hug. It felt wonderful!!! As she walked out, I rested my head on my hands. I understand how helpless she felt. Everyone wants to know how to help and support us. Everyone worries about us. All I can say is that we need continued prayer and love. There is no guidebook for this mess. But you can never go wrong with prayer and love!!1
Day 101
Friday November 26, 2010
I woke up exhausted!! Nina had been up from 2-6am. She couldn't sleep! Poor baby!! After tossing and turning for a while, we went out to the living room so as to not wake up Todd and Teddy. Insomnia was a side effect of the chemo, as well as, the steroids!!! Eventually, around 6am she said, "I think my head is ready to sleep." Precious girl!! We returned to bed and she slept until 9:30am.
In addition to waking up exhausted, I woke up sore, but not nearly as sore as I had been yesterday. Yesterday whenever I bent or sat down and the tried to get up, I was left in pain. But as the old adage says No pain, no gain! When I sent out hilarious pics of me squatting and lifting weights, Mendy replied, waring me I might end up developing a ghetto butty!! She is some funny chicky!! The pain from the soreness reminded me Mendy's joke :) I was now determined to develop a ghetto booty just to make Mendy laugh!!!
For the majority of the US, today was Black Friday. For us....it was Yellow Friday :) It was yellow Friday because we rented a huge limo (originally it was suppose to be just a regular black stretch limo but the owner upgraded us for free!) that turned out to be a huge, yellow stretch Hummer!!! I had decided to do this on Monday as a treat for the kids, another way of building memories for Nina, Teddy, and the cousins!!
For a couple of months, Nina has been asking to go on a limo ride. Given how special it was that we even made it to Turlock for the holiday, I thought we'd celebrate our honey-girl in style!! Earlier in the morning, I accidentally let the surprise slip when talking to Adelae. She practically flipped from excitement!! She was so excited that we eventually had to call Sosie and tell her too! Then over lunch, Todd forgot to filter and let it slip to Dan and Joe (in front of all of the kids who were playing Wii!). Luckily, all of the younger kids (including Nina and Teddy) were so engrossed in the video game that they didn't pay attention to a single word any adult was saying :) Too bad children's lack of responsivity isn't always this appropriate and timely!!!
At 5pm sharply, Phil showed up in the yellow stretch Hummer. What a monstrosity!!! Teddy was psychotically happy. Nina was unsure, overwhelmed. She was unhappy that Todd had not planned on coming and started to cry. Todd agreed to ride with us and then we'd drop him off at the Turkey Soup Feast at the Jerners before making our way to see Tangled at the movie theatres!
Once inside the limo, we cranked up the music and played around with the lighting until we were basically in Studio 54! Teddy was a dance machine and made Nina burst into laughter!!! I must confess that I was a bit mortified by his suave moves.....where he got them I have not a clue....but all I could think was I gotta get this boy into stamp collecting otherwise adolescence might be a total nightmare!!
My mom hopped in and the first person we picked up was my cousin Lucy. Lucy just cracked up at the site of the limo trying to round her cul-de-sac!!! Then we went to Shannon's and picked up the four cousins (Sosie, Adelae, Silas & Teague) plus Sosie's best pal Sierra. The kids went nuts!!! It was such a treat to sing and dance and go nuts with them!!!! They couldn't believe how lucky they were!!! They hung their heads out the window, shouted, danced, screamed, shook their booties, went all out!!! It was the most raucous fun I think I've ever had!!!
All along, Nina was a bit quiet! She didn't want to get out at the Jerners and when we went in for just a minute she started to cry. In the bathroom, she explained she didn't want anyone to stare at her. My heart broke. I squatted down so that I was at her eye level and told her we didn't have to stay, that we didn't have to do anything she didn't want to, that she was in charge and just needed to tell me. I hugged her and the tried to get up, but winced like a big baby....this made her laugh. I wiped away her sweet tears and we said goodbye to the Jerners and Todd and climbed right back into the limo. With the pressure of seeing people off, Nina came to life! She was happy and laughed at her cousin's antics, especially when we pulled up at Nana and Papa's for a quick hello. She thought it was super funny that Papa said they'd heard the limo coming a block away because the music and screaming were so loud :)
On our way to the movie theatre, I took down orders for popcorn and drinks. Nina made sure I understood she wanted butter on her popcorn and a hotdog! I knew we were going to have a great evening when she patted my leg twice to ensure I had gotten down her order :) Tangled was a darling movie and the kids (and grown-ups) loved it. The limo picked us up in front of the movie theatre at 9pm, drawing stares from everyone standing in line for tickets. We were very much V.I.P.!!!
Phil, the limo driver, dropped us all off at my folks and said goodbye. I think we may have traumatized Phil with all our antics!!! While I drove Sosie, Sierra, Silas, Teddy, and Teague back to their respective sleeping headquarters, Adelae
I pulled up to the driveway and wiped away my tears. Inside, I found the girls finishing up bowls of cereal in the living room. We brushed teeth and washed faces before climbing into bed. It was just the three girls, like so many other times before! Nina lay between Adelae and me. She complained that her head wouldn't stop and let her sleep. Adelae and I proceeded to tickle her for about 20 minutes (Addie tickled her back, while I tickled her tummy) until she fell asleep. As we tickled her in silence, I watched Adelae and saw her tear up! She lovingly, tenderly, tickled her sweet cousin's skin. With each stroke, I could see a growing sadness in Adelae. She felt the same heaviness that I do. We adults mistakenly think that we protect, insulate our children from sadness and grief but the reality is that they see and absorb everything, especially what we keep silent!!
Once Nina fell asleep, I crawled over to the other side of the bed and wrapped Adelae in my arms. I hugged her tightly and kissed her porcelain skin. I whispered how much I loved her, how much she meant to us all (especially Nina) and how thankful I am for having her in my life. Adelae fell asleep quickly. I wish I could say I did the same.
I woke up exhausted!! Nina had been up from 2-6am. She couldn't sleep! Poor baby!! After tossing and turning for a while, we went out to the living room so as to not wake up Todd and Teddy. Insomnia was a side effect of the chemo, as well as, the steroids!!! Eventually, around 6am she said, "I think my head is ready to sleep." Precious girl!! We returned to bed and she slept until 9:30am.
In addition to waking up exhausted, I woke up sore, but not nearly as sore as I had been yesterday. Yesterday whenever I bent or sat down and the tried to get up, I was left in pain. But as the old adage says No pain, no gain! When I sent out hilarious pics of me squatting and lifting weights, Mendy replied, waring me I might end up developing a ghetto butty!! She is some funny chicky!! The pain from the soreness reminded me Mendy's joke :) I was now determined to develop a ghetto booty just to make Mendy laugh!!!
For the majority of the US, today was Black Friday. For us....it was Yellow Friday :) It was yellow Friday because we rented a huge limo (originally it was suppose to be just a regular black stretch limo but the owner upgraded us for free!) that turned out to be a huge, yellow stretch Hummer!!! I had decided to do this on Monday as a treat for the kids, another way of building memories for Nina, Teddy, and the cousins!!
For a couple of months, Nina has been asking to go on a limo ride. Given how special it was that we even made it to Turlock for the holiday, I thought we'd celebrate our honey-girl in style!! Earlier in the morning, I accidentally let the surprise slip when talking to Adelae. She practically flipped from excitement!! She was so excited that we eventually had to call Sosie and tell her too! Then over lunch, Todd forgot to filter and let it slip to Dan and Joe (in front of all of the kids who were playing Wii!). Luckily, all of the younger kids (including Nina and Teddy) were so engrossed in the video game that they didn't pay attention to a single word any adult was saying :) Too bad children's lack of responsivity isn't always this appropriate and timely!!!
At 5pm sharply, Phil showed up in the yellow stretch Hummer. What a monstrosity!!! Teddy was psychotically happy. Nina was unsure, overwhelmed. She was unhappy that Todd had not planned on coming and started to cry. Todd agreed to ride with us and then we'd drop him off at the Turkey Soup Feast at the Jerners before making our way to see Tangled at the movie theatres!
Once inside the limo, we cranked up the music and played around with the lighting until we were basically in Studio 54! Teddy was a dance machine and made Nina burst into laughter!!! I must confess that I was a bit mortified by his suave moves.....where he got them I have not a clue....but all I could think was I gotta get this boy into stamp collecting otherwise adolescence might be a total nightmare!!
My mom hopped in and the first person we picked up was my cousin Lucy. Lucy just cracked up at the site of the limo trying to round her cul-de-sac!!! Then we went to Shannon's and picked up the four cousins (Sosie, Adelae, Silas & Teague) plus Sosie's best pal Sierra. The kids went nuts!!! It was such a treat to sing and dance and go nuts with them!!!! They couldn't believe how lucky they were!!! They hung their heads out the window, shouted, danced, screamed, shook their booties, went all out!!! It was the most raucous fun I think I've ever had!!!
All along, Nina was a bit quiet! She didn't want to get out at the Jerners and when we went in for just a minute she started to cry. In the bathroom, she explained she didn't want anyone to stare at her. My heart broke. I squatted down so that I was at her eye level and told her we didn't have to stay, that we didn't have to do anything she didn't want to, that she was in charge and just needed to tell me. I hugged her and the tried to get up, but winced like a big baby....this made her laugh. I wiped away her sweet tears and we said goodbye to the Jerners and Todd and climbed right back into the limo. With the pressure of seeing people off, Nina came to life! She was happy and laughed at her cousin's antics, especially when we pulled up at Nana and Papa's for a quick hello. She thought it was super funny that Papa said they'd heard the limo coming a block away because the music and screaming were so loud :)
On our way to the movie theatre, I took down orders for popcorn and drinks. Nina made sure I understood she wanted butter on her popcorn and a hotdog! I knew we were going to have a great evening when she patted my leg twice to ensure I had gotten down her order :) Tangled was a darling movie and the kids (and grown-ups) loved it. The limo picked us up in front of the movie theatre at 9pm, drawing stares from everyone standing in line for tickets. We were very much V.I.P.!!!
Phil, the limo driver, dropped us all off at my folks and said goodbye. I think we may have traumatized Phil with all our antics!!! While I drove Sosie, Sierra, Silas, Teddy, and Teague back to their respective sleeping headquarters, Adelae
I pulled up to the driveway and wiped away my tears. Inside, I found the girls finishing up bowls of cereal in the living room. We brushed teeth and washed faces before climbing into bed. It was just the three girls, like so many other times before! Nina lay between Adelae and me. She complained that her head wouldn't stop and let her sleep. Adelae and I proceeded to tickle her for about 20 minutes (Addie tickled her back, while I tickled her tummy) until she fell asleep. As we tickled her in silence, I watched Adelae and saw her tear up! She lovingly, tenderly, tickled her sweet cousin's skin. With each stroke, I could see a growing sadness in Adelae. She felt the same heaviness that I do. We adults mistakenly think that we protect, insulate our children from sadness and grief but the reality is that they see and absorb everything, especially what we keep silent!!
Once Nina fell asleep, I crawled over to the other side of the bed and wrapped Adelae in my arms. I hugged her tightly and kissed her porcelain skin. I whispered how much I loved her, how much she meant to us all (especially Nina) and how thankful I am for having her in my life. Adelae fell asleep quickly. I wish I could say I did the same.
Fall Foto-Shoot!
After our Thanksgiving feast, the kids and I resumed our own little personal tradition....the annual Fall Foto-Shoot!! Each year (since Teague and Nina were born), I have bought the kids coordinating outfits and we have taken a group family photo of just the kids. Every one makes fun of me for doing so, but they'd all admit now how precious these photos are.
So....the kids and I loaded up into Todd's car and drove over to Papa and Nana's to take the pictures. Nina was not pleased. She is so sensitive about her appearance! In front of Adelae and Sosie, she actually said, "I don't want to take more pictures....I am chubby, my smile is too big!" Sosie's mouth actually dropped and she and Adelae both assured her that the is beautiful and that the photo would not be complete without her. Those words stung my entire being, as if a hundred million wasps had descended upon me and were brutally attacking. I felt the tears welling so I bit my cheek. I could not cry!!!!! But they were so right....the photo would not be complete without Nina!!!! If she goes to Heaven, how can we ever take these again!!! If she goes to Heaven, how am I suppose to next year buy three outfits for the boys and only 2 for the girls!!!!! Please, Heavenly Father!!!!!!!!!
Eventually, Sosie and Adelae were able to convince Nina to participate and we got some darling, precious photos!!! I am so thankful for Sosie, Adelae, Silas, Teague, Teddy and Nina!!! They are an insane handful and at times leave us all wanting to pull our hair out and recommend sterilization to everyone contemplation parenthood. But as I look at these photos, my heart swells with love and pride!! Each of these precious beings own a part of my heart! I thank God for them, for every part of them, not just the sweet and compliant parts, but the sassy and obnoxious parts too!!! Because of these 6 little people (and in some cases not soo little anymore....Sosie is taller than me now :( and Addie is on her way!!) I am a better person, everyone in this family is a better person!! For that, I am thankful!!!
So....the kids and I loaded up into Todd's car and drove over to Papa and Nana's to take the pictures. Nina was not pleased. She is so sensitive about her appearance! In front of Adelae and Sosie, she actually said, "I don't want to take more pictures....I am chubby, my smile is too big!" Sosie's mouth actually dropped and she and Adelae both assured her that the is beautiful and that the photo would not be complete without her. Those words stung my entire being, as if a hundred million wasps had descended upon me and were brutally attacking. I felt the tears welling so I bit my cheek. I could not cry!!!!! But they were so right....the photo would not be complete without Nina!!!! If she goes to Heaven, how can we ever take these again!!! If she goes to Heaven, how am I suppose to next year buy three outfits for the boys and only 2 for the girls!!!!! Please, Heavenly Father!!!!!!!!!
Eventually, Sosie and Adelae were able to convince Nina to participate and we got some darling, precious photos!!! I am so thankful for Sosie, Adelae, Silas, Teague, Teddy and Nina!!! They are an insane handful and at times leave us all wanting to pull our hair out and recommend sterilization to everyone contemplation parenthood. But as I look at these photos, my heart swells with love and pride!! Each of these precious beings own a part of my heart! I thank God for them, for every part of them, not just the sweet and compliant parts, but the sassy and obnoxious parts too!!! Because of these 6 little people (and in some cases not soo little anymore....Sosie is taller than me now :( and Addie is on her way!!) I am a better person, everyone in this family is a better person!! For that, I am thankful!!!
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Day 100
Thursday November 25, 2010
It is fitting that the 100th day of this journey would fall on Thanksgiving Day! It has been 100 hellish, insane, nightmarish, glorious, wonderful, cherished, blessed days filled with every imaginable emotion known to man: sadness, fear, love, pain, grief, gratitude, relief, despair, hope, abandonment, encouragement, betrayal, happiness, heartbreak, awe, anger, compassion, anxiety, playfulness, panic, laughter, and delight. The list could go on and on but the bottom line, what we have learned the most, what emotion we have experienced the most is most definitely....THANKFULNESS!!
Thanksgiving Day has never had more significance and magnitude as it has this year!!! We are thankful for family, friends, strangers, love, compassion, support, faith, courage, laughter, strength and most of all TIME!! The tears are running down my cheeks as I write this!! I have never been and probably will never be more thankful for the precious gift of time.
We thank God above for all of our blessings!!!
We are thankful!!
We are thankful!!
We are thankful!!
We are forever and ever thankful!!
It is fitting that the 100th day of this journey would fall on Thanksgiving Day! It has been 100 hellish, insane, nightmarish, glorious, wonderful, cherished, blessed days filled with every imaginable emotion known to man: sadness, fear, love, pain, grief, gratitude, relief, despair, hope, abandonment, encouragement, betrayal, happiness, heartbreak, awe, anger, compassion, anxiety, playfulness, panic, laughter, and delight. The list could go on and on but the bottom line, what we have learned the most, what emotion we have experienced the most is most definitely....THANKFULNESS!!
Thanksgiving Day has never had more significance and magnitude as it has this year!!! We are thankful for family, friends, strangers, love, compassion, support, faith, courage, laughter, strength and most of all TIME!! The tears are running down my cheeks as I write this!! I have never been and probably will never be more thankful for the precious gift of time.
We thank God above for all of our blessings!!!
We are thankful!!
We are thankful!!
We are thankful!!
We are forever and ever thankful!!
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| The feast! |
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| Everyone together! |
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| Yummy! |
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| Queen of the Stink Eye! |
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| Club Penguin time! |
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