Day 188: Our Angel In Heaven

Monday February 21, 2011

Yesterday we celebrated Nina's birthday, surrounded by our family and friends. When Nina woke up at 11am, her face beamed. Eileen and I had decorated the entire house a la Sponge Bob. There were streamers, balloons, wall decorations galore. She opened her eyes and looked at me (I was atop the ladder) and said, "Oh Mama, thank you so much!! It's beautiful!!" I jumped to her side and kissed her sweet mouth. She asked me to help her sit up. Then she pulled me in for the biggest smooch ever! It was perfection, covered in love!!! Then she said, "Mama aren't you so proud of me for waking up in a great mood and being happy? Do I get all of my stars?" I giggled with delight as I kissed her mouth again and told her she got all the stars in the world.

Nina had the most beautiful birthday party ever! She was surrounded by every one who loved her dearly!! When we sang Happy Birthday to Nina it was the most sacred moment. Nina lay on her living room bed, surrounded by 40 people who loved and cherished her. She was in perfect Nina form. Hollered that we were too loud when we were singing so we softened our voices. She beamed when she blew out the candles! She even tried to smack the cake. Best of all, she demanded the biggest slice of cake ever!!!!!!

In the afternoon her breathing became very labored and difficult. We gave her more medicine to try to calm her down and help her rest. Before her breathing became even worse, she demanded and took a bite of her cake. Eventually we got panicked enough that we called Dan Brennan to come over. He helped us suction all the extra secretions she had and showed us how to lay her down in a way that would help keep her airway optimally opened.

After Dan left, Todd and I each lay beside Nina. We cuddled with her and all three of us fell asleep. About an hour later I woke up. Teddy asked that I sleep with him so I did. All night long, Todd and I kept vigil. Although her breathing was labored, Nina slept throughout the night peacefully!! I checked on her at 8:30 and she was breathing. Todd was asleep on the couch. I check on her at 9:10 and she was breathing. I kissed her and went into her bedroom to work on the blog. At 9:30 Todd raced in and said that she wasn't breathing. I raced to her side and started CPR. I don't know why. I just felt I like needed to do something. I breathed into her precious mouth about a dozen times. She took several breaths then I could no longer hear her heart beat. I called Todd over and told him we needed to hold her. I caressed her face over and over again, kissing every inch of her face and told her how much mama and dada loved her, how everyone loved her, how she was the greatest gift from heaven, our angel. Todd and I cried, he kissed her and told her also how much we loved her. I kissed her lips and told her our hearts belonged to her and that we would never ever stop loving her and that we would miss her terribly but someday, I promised, we would see her again in Heaven!!!

Todd and I then texted everyone that she had stopped breathing. Around 10am, Dan arrived and confirmed that her heart had stopped.

Our sweet angel was in Heaven!!!!!!

Nina was our angel on Earth and she is now and forever our Angel in Heaven!!!!

We loved you from the moment you we knew you existed, we loved you even more the first moments we held you, and we love you the most now and forever!!!!

Day 185

Friday February 18, 2011

Teddy had the day off from school and slept in. I can see the growing sorrow in his eyes. On a daily basis he asks, "Are things bad?" I keep hoping that I wake up from this nightmare to find them both sleeping together on the bottom bunk. So much has changed since August 19th. Six months does not really sound like that long but my life has been turned upside down and tossed around so many times I've lost count. All I can do is hold onto my anchor and pray for strength.

Praying. I am so thankful thousands are praying for us. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know how to pray any more. Since Teddy and Nina were born, I have prayed a very specific prayer every night for them. I would always thank God for the gifts that they are and then ask that He send a battalion of angels to surround them and protect them from anyone and anything that would hurt them emotionally, psychologically, physically, that He would guard them from illness and help me to be the best mom possible. I have literally prayed this since the moment I found out that I was pregnant with Teddy.

I am grieved beyond all grief that God did not grant me my prayers. I have asked for so little in my life. I have endured misery upon misery myself, never letting it destroy but continuously picking up my cross and stepping forward, with a smile no less because that is what a believer does. Cognitively, I understand that God did not cause this, nor that this is something we brought upon ourselves. But emotionally, I feel so abandoned!!!!!! Until recently, God was the only being with full disclosure of my pain and suffering and yet all that I have already endured is not enough??????? Now I must lose my precious daughter!!!!!!! How much pain and suffering is enough?????? The worst part of all is that now Teddy must carry this pain and suffering. I am willing to carry all the pain and suffering that is dished out at me but to see my precious son be wounded like this is unbearable!!!!

I am so heartbroken!!! I know that we don't deserve our miracle more than any other family. We are all equal in God's eyes. But this is fucking bullshit!!!!!! Nina's illness and suffering if cruelty beyond cruelty. I write and try to document how I feel and what we experience and although I am able to capture an essence of our struggle, it remains that, an essence. Even those who spend time with us, have lived with us during this journey, aren't privy to the magnitude of the pain and sorrow that pounds through our veins with each breath we take. There are no words to describe that pain and sorrow. Only people who have gone through this kind of hell can truly understand. Hell it is!!!!!!!!!!

And even though I am shaken to my core, I have not lost faith! I am heartbroken and strained with God. This the truth and will probably remain my truth for a very long time!!!! I feel abandoned but I refuse to stop believing. Instead of losing myself to the heartbreak and strain I focus on the blessings I do have. I submit to that. I do not lose faith because I recognize that the mighty strength I have was given to me by God. God created me this way and in spite of me feeling destroyed by God's current plan I understand that I have also been built to stand any storm. God is the only one that can see time, beginning to end. I take comfort in knowing there is a purpose, one that I will not understand until I see Him face to face, but there is a purpose, just like there was a purpose in God giving me the spirit of a lion. People ask how I can keep doing what I do, how I can sob one second and smile the next. There is no rational explanation. I don't understand it other than this is how God made me and He made me this way for THIS purpose. For that I am thankful.....but I still feel abandoned!!!! I am still pissed off!!!! I am still heartbroken!!! God knows that even without me muttering a word. It is written in every drop of my blood. But God is God and He can handle me, in any form I come!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Speaking of blessings, Eileen's company is magnificent. Even when we are engulfed in darkness, together we can always find a way to breathe and laugh. Together we have always encouraged each other through our own struggles and as such have built an incredible bond. One gift from this journey is that I have discovered how truly hilarious Eileen can be. We have always loved laughing together. I LOVE laughter, it is one of life's greatest treasures! But it wasn't until now that I genuinely discovered my friend's irreverent and sarcastic sense of humor! The girl is a hoot!!!

Friday also marked the beginning of Nina's birthday weekend. Originally I had thought this was going to be an easy fun filled weekend. I know it will still be joyous but now it has turned into a sorrowful joy (what an oxymoron!!!) I know it was not coincidence that everyone we most love was planning on spending this weekend with us before Nina took a turn for the worst! The awful irony of it all is that it was part of the plan, just not my plan!!!! So, I spent the morning preparing for the arrivals. We all did some last minute tidying up. Teddy was beyond excited that Niels and his cousins were coming! I was so grateful for the relief I saw in his eyes when he talked about them!!!! At least in the midst of this fucking horrifying turn of events, Teddy would have the company and joy of his best buddies. At least they would have each other to have fun with.

While Eileen and I cleaned, Nina wanted her daddy. Again, I was thankful that he had this time with her both for his sake but also for mine. As Todd and Nina hung out and ate a smorgie of food, Teddy went with Mario to Kmart to buy some nerf guns. In spite of my extreme focus on Nina's illness and needs I have never lost sight of planning for Teddy's care. I knew that he felt a heavy burden and that he would be all torn up, filled with mixed emotions about his sister's birthday party. He needed a little something and nerf battles always help boys (My liberal friends hate me right now! Too bad!!!!). I gave the guys specific instructions. Buy each of the boys a cool nerf gun and don't spend more than $25 on each gun. I don't know why I didn't see this coming. I expected they'd buy some regular nerf guns, you know the small ones, but when they returned from the store I was greeted with massive Tommy guns that require batteries!!!!! Teddy was stoked so that was all that mattered. To make things even funnier, Mario bought himself the daddy of all Nerf guns!!! The thing was a monstrosity and Teddy was totally salivating over it but it cost more than I had allowed. He whispered to me, "I'm gonna save my allowance to get one of those!" I smiled and kissed his warm cheek.

Soon there after, the Marbans arrived. Teddy retreated to his lair to plan his attacks, Mario took care of Cristina, and we sat down with the Marbans to talk about Nina. It had been a week since Linda had last seen her and about a month since Eduardo had last seen her in person. Although the Marbans are world famous physicians and researchers they are first and foremost my friends so I was able to see the look of deep sadness in their eyes. They didn't need to say a word.

Nina had a good day today. She ate and swallowed decently. We just needed to watch her very closely. She slept in almost until the Marbans arrived and was responsive. She smiled and laughed at our silliness and got annoyed and angry if we did something that pissed her off. Most of all, she was eager for Sosie and Adelae to arrive. "When are the cousins coming?" she would ask, barely audible. The Marbans got to see how much she struggled with her speech first hand and I had to remind them that today was a good day for her communication. In fact, today was a good day for Nina's overall functioning in comparison to the rest of the week. At one point when I said that, I saw Linda flinch! I could imagine what she was thinking, This was a good day?? But true to form, Linda said well great....it's a good day! No wonder we are such amazing friends!!!

Not only had the Marbans come to spend the day with us, they brought Las Fuentes!!!! Over the best food in the world, the Marbans asked what I needed from them and I explained that I needed them to help me coordinate with our new nursing team and Dr. Greenfield a medical plan for Nina. This week had been a nightmare because I had no plan. All I had was my daughter going through hellish pain and misery. We did not want Nina to be in misery!!!! As such, I needed to have a concrete plan about which medications we were going to use and how and when we would take Nina to the hospital. There is nothing like planning the end of your child's life over Mexican food!!!!!!!! Actually, it probably couldn't have been better. I love Mexican food. It is comforting!!!! And eating comforting yummy food is incompatible with panic and distress over the most heinous of topics! Still......it is grim and sick!!!!!

Eduardo and Linda understood my needs. I called the supervisor of the new nursing team and Dr. Greenfield to make appointments that Eduardo could attend. At the beginning of this nightmare I had asked him to advise me as if Nina were his own precious daughter. Nina and Cristina are the exact same age so this makes it very, very real for Eduardo and Linda. Every step of the way, the Marbans have done exactly that!!!

Right after lunch, the Dawsons arrived!!! Teddy was elated to see his buddy Niels and they ran off. Yvonne just hugged me, trying to pour every ounce of strength into me! After a few hours of playing, they took Teddy and the boys to Zodo's for bowling and food. I was thankful, so thankful, to have someone I could trust to take care of Teddy. Yvonne had loved Teddy from the very moment of his birth. It was fitting she help me now!!!

We met with Susan, the supervising nurse and clarified what their role would. Starting Monday they would come daily for a couple of hours. Then we went and met Dr. Greenfield at the Starbucks in Vons. Todd came along as well. I was glad he did because he needed to participate, for his own sake. With Dr. Greenfield we discussed exactly (as much as these matters can be exactly planned) what the plan of action should be, which medications should be used, when medications should be administered and how we would decide to enter the palliative sedation phase. I made it clear that if Nina had to die from this awful monster we wanted her to stay at home, in the comfort of her home, as long as possible, and that we did not want to transport her to the hospital until she was permanently unconscious. We did not want to give her anything more to fear!!!!! Dr. Greenfield is a gentle and loving man. He has children the same age and he understood clearly what we needed. As such, he and Eduardo agreed that before transporting Nina we would snow her so severely with medication that she would never know what was happening. Todd sat and quietly cried. I reached for his hand and tried to provide him with some comfort. But what comfort is there when you are sitting at a table discussing how to help your precious daughter die peacefully!!!!

I left our meeting feeling secure. I hadn't felt secure all week but now I knew we had a plan. I understood that this plan could and would probably change but its existence helped me feel more secure, grounded. Seeing your child miserable in pain is the worst thing any human can ever go through. If having a plan of action helps then why the hell not!!!

The best piece of information I got from the meeting was that we could use morphine patches to give Nina narcotics. Since swallowing was becoming an issue by the day I wanted to have something on hand instantly. I knew I could learn how to access her port and add medication through an IV but I also wanted something more, I just didn't know what. After Dr. Greenfield mentioned the patches, I signed a huge sigh of relief.

We went to Rite-Aide to see if we could pick up the patches but Dr. Greenfield needed his triplicate so we agreed to get them from him tomorrow. I hugged Dr. Greenfield and thanked him for his support! Every one we have met has been such a blessing!

When we returned home, the company Life Solutions came and brought us a suction machine and oxygen tanks. They showed us how to use them. I listened but didn't think we would need to any time soon. Linda and Eileen cleared a corner to store them. I looked at them carry those things off and shook my head!! How could this be????? How can this be our life!!!!!!

Thankfully, my moments of sadness are short lived. It was dinner time and I had to focus because my sweet girl was hungry, "I'm starving mama!" Mario had taken Cristina to Chuck-E-Cheese, so when he returned the Marbans said goodnight. At that point, Mario asked if I had found his gun. Mysteriously his massive gun had disappeared :) When I had asked Teddy where it was he gave me a shocked (but guilty) look and said he couldn't believe I wouldn't trust him, that I was accusing him of taking Mario's gun!!! Mario and I looked around the condo and found his gun, all set up in the garage. My guilty son and his accomplice Niels had spent the afternoon building an arsenal in the garage. From the looks of things it was obvious they had planned to ambush Mario! We both laughed and Mario asked for a sheet of paper and pen. He then wrote the following note and left it on Teddy's bed:


A minute after Mario had finished his letter Joe and the kids arrived!!!!!! The kids were so happy to see Nina and gave us the biggest hugs!!! I grabbed my keys and Eileen and asked Todd to send us a Taco Bell order for the kids. We grabbed some grub and then picked up Teddy. The look of happiness on Teddy's face when he saw his cousins was priceless!! I reminded myself that above all, this was a birthday weekend!!!!

Holding hands with Sosie

Watching Pink Panther with Addie

Of course it had rained all day!!! All I hoped for was that it wouldn't rain on Sunday!!!!

Restful Sleep

Nina got some much needed rest last night. The morphine patch plus the atavan really made a huge difference!!! She even requested to keep the oxygen mask on all night, sweet precious girl!!!

Although Nina rested it was almost impossible for Eileen and I, who were laying next to her, to rest! Her breathing is so labored. You can hear the fluid build up, the accumulation of spit. Periodically she would burst into a violent cough, clearing her airway!!! Each of these coughing spells would shoot through Eileen and I like a bolt of lightening. We are remaining calm but it still hard to not be in constantly petrified when your child is fighting to breathe and here is nothing you can do!!!

Twice in the last hour she has woken up and said she was hungry. I explained Vovo an Vava were on their way to make breakfast. She didn't protest but quietly went back to sleep. She knows when Vovo and Vava make breakfast it is good times!!!

As I publish this post, she is still comfortably sleeping.

Day 184

Thursday February 17, 2011

Eileen and I cuddled with Nina all night.

Nina slept. Some tossing and turning.

Teddy woke up in a great mood. Said I was the best cuddler in the world.

On the way to school, asked me if things were bad. I reassured him that they were the same and that I was so proud of how loving he was being to Nina.

He held my hand all the way to his classroom.

Friends came to visit.

It hurts to see the ghostly looks on their faces when they see Nina.

I hate seeing how behind the pain in people's eyes death looms....they look at Nina and see death. I hate that!!!!!!!!

Nina enjoyed her bowl of Lucky Charms. Had dad hold the bowl but insisted on feeding herself.

She can't walk any amount with assistance.

She can barely hold onto to us when we stand her up to clean her up after she goes potty.

We have her bowel movements under control. Doctors worried about constipation because a major side effect of narcotics.

She can still swallow her pudding with the pills.

Swallowing becoming increasingly harder.

Gags on food.

Gags on water and liquid in particular.

Extremely frustrated when we can't understand her.

Can barely speak.

Sometimes only 1 in every 10 words is intelligible. Takes multiple tries for us to understand her. She looks panicked, pissed, scared!!!

Keeps saying she feels like she is falling out of a car :(

Constantly struggling with temperature regulation.

Asked to go swimming again.

Wanted to wear her orange swim suit. Said she liked them all but insisted I pick one :) I told her I loved the blue polk-a-dot one.

Wanted Panda for lunch! Who would have guessed.

Teddy had a wonderful play date with his buddy Will.

His teacher said he is doing extremely well.

Teddy is a rock!

Talked to my friend Susan about bringing her boys to see Nina before she got worse.

I want every one who loves Nina to be able to see her and love on her.

Made Eileen hold Molly. Systematic desensitization of animals! Eileen's husband very happy!

Nina went swimming with dada again. This time not as long because she was cold.

We laughed when we could.

We cried when we needed to.

We tried and tried to make Nina happy!

The Becchios came by with the boys.

The boys were so sweet to Nina but were sad and scared. I tried to use Molly and dressing her up to bring in some levity.

Nina struggled to be nice.

Got happier with chips and the cheesecake cup from Panda Mario brought her when he picked up Molly.

Nina mocked Mario in front of every one. Reminded us all that he is going to be Pearl from Spongebob for her birthday and has to wear a skirt :)

Nina wanted to cuddle with Daddy for bedtime.

Both kids fell asleep easily.

We tried to rest :(

Day 183

Wednesday February 16, 2011

The oxycodone worked a miracle. Nina rested!!! Thank God she rested!!!!

When Nina woke up she requested to go swimming in her new swim suite. She loved her new swim suites and had bought 4 :) A girl can never have too many swim suites. For the past couple of weeks, Nina has been increasingly asking when we could go swimming in our condo pool. Each time I had to explain we would need to wait until summer and time I'd get smacked.

I had breakfast with Dan Brennan and brainstormed ways to deal with our Hospice nurse being out of commission. Poor Laura had broken her arm earlier in the week and required surgery. It seemed like such a long time ago since Dan I sat in his office trying to figure out what was wrong with Nina. We cried and hugged!

When Yvonne arrived on Monday, the first thing she did was call around town until she found an indoor heated pool. The YMCA had generously offered for us to use their pool and we had an appointment for 11:30am which made Nina very happy!!! As we got ready, Nina asked for Teddy to come too. By this time, it was 10:30 am, Yvonne had gone on a donut hole safari and Todd was upstairs. Thankfully, Larisa was able to come save the day again and hang out with Nina while I went and picked up Teddy. At first, Teddy was hesitant to come because he didn't want to leave school and be stuck with extra work :) I explained that wouldn't be the case. When he arrived home, he gave Nina the biggest hug. His enthusiasm was contagious....it just bounced off the walls!!! It made my heart sing to see Teddy be so strong and supportive....all for Nina's sake!

We had a wonderful time at the YMCA, who ended up giving us free passes. At first, Nina cried because the water was cold (not as warm as she expected) but eventually she settled down on the ramp with Todd and the two of them just sat there, in the glare of the sun, for almost an hour. Nina just seemed so comfortable, so peaceful, floating in the water, leaning up against her daddy. Teddy swam around and performed tricks. He was seriously disappointed that the YMCA has a no one under 15 rule for use of the jacuzzi. The one thing Teddy had looked forward to most was using the spa. Teddy is like his mama in that request....we both prefer spas :)

Earlier in the morning I had called our families and told them they needed to come asap, that I strongly believed Nina was slipping and that they needed to see her now. I also called Eileen and told her she needed to come earlier than planned. Originally, Eileen was planning on coming at the very end of the month. I knew Eileen would be devastated if she wasn't here before Nina fell into sedation. Within an hour of speaking to her, I got a text from Eileen telling me she was on her way to the airport. I sighed a huge breath of relief!

After a wonderful time of floating and swimming in the pool, it was lunch time and Nina requested.....Panda Express!!!!! Larisa and I went to pick up food while Todd, Yvonne and the kids relaxed at home. I could not take another bite of Panda so I snuck over to Baja Fresh.

With our tummies full, the rest of the afternoon was calm. Nina and Todd napped, while I hung out with Teddy in his room watching iCarly episodes. Around 4pm I told Teddy to put on his shoes and get ready to go to the park or beach. Teddy has been doing amazing but I don't want to take anything for granted. The last thing I want is for him to hole himself up in his room playing video games and watching tv. Of course when I suggested we go out, Teddy got super annoyed and threw a medium fussy. I ignored and pressed forward. Within seconds of arriving at Goleta Beach, he was running around with Molly having an absolute blast!!!! Also within seconds of arriving at Goleta Beach, I realized I locked the keys in the car. Thankfully I had my phone so I called Yvonne and had her bring the AAA card. Yvonne joined us at the beach. It was refreshing, almost cleansing to walk along the beach, to smell the ocean water, feel the wind race past us, smile at Molly's hair fly all over the place, and relish the happiness on Teddy's face! Each time Teddy ran past us, all I could do was smile! He is such an astounding person!!!! He is only 8 years old but he has walked through this journey with more grace and love than most adults. Teddy is destined for greatness and he already proving me right!!!!!!!

Yvonne had been under the impression that Todd had called AAA. When they didn't show up for a while I called to check on the status of the tow truck and discovered that the call hadn't been made after all!!! That meant we had to wait extra longer but Teddy didn't mind. He just ran up and down the beach like a manic puppy! It was so good for him to get that energy out!! Eventually the tow truck guy showed up and opened the car. We went to the store and picked up flank steak, Nina's request. Back home, Teddy took a warm shower while I grilled the steak. Nina was deliriously happy to eat the steak. Her swallowing was ok and because of the medications her emotional misery was under control....at least better. Bottom line, we were relieved she wasn't miserable. Misery for our honey-girl is unacceptable!!!!

Once everyone was settled after dinner, Yvonne and I met with Sharon, Crystal and Larisa. I don't want to go into details about our meeting other than it was the kind of discussion I had hoped and prayed we would never actually have to put into place!!!!!

At 11pm Eileen arrived. The brilliant Bostonian didn't bring a jacket so when I took longer to pick her up she froze! Even though we live in temperate Santa Barbara it is still winter. I hugged my ding dong friend. I was soooooo thankful to have her by my side!!!

Day 182

Tuesday February 15, 2011

Our night was wretched!!! Although Todd slept (ha! there was do damn sleeping!!!) with Nina, Yvonne and I lay wide awake in the bedroom, a few dozen feet away but close enough to hear every single moan, toss, plea for comfort!!!

Each plea for comfort that Nina made, was like being stabbed through the heart with a billion fiery rusty nails. She needed comfort. I needed comfort.

As soon as I dropped off Teddy boy, I cried for a very long time. I sobbed and wailed and cursed the doom that had now parked itself overhead. Then, with strength regained, I started my rampage of calls to doctors. I spoke to the Marbans and Dr. Greenfield for what seemed like an eternity trying to figure out how to alleviate my precious Nina. What seemed like an eternity was not very long at all. Eventually the team decided oxycodone would be the right medication to help alleviate Nina's pain.

Nina's pain!!!! Those are two words no parent should ever have to utter!!!! Sure our kids get cuts and scraps and bruises but genuine pain....no child should have to go through agonizing pain and that is what Nina is precisely going through....agonizing pain!

My mind easily slips. I think of something and then the next second it is gone. I have to fight it from going to horror of Nina's pain. Letting myself go there is of no use.....nothing gets accomplished there. But if I pull myself together, if I can make myself think, if I can secure myself....then I can do something....even if it is the smallest of somethings. As my mind raced and I fought myself for dominion, the oncology office called me to say that I needed to pick up the written prescription and hand deliver to the pharmacy. I raced over there and was back on the freeway in no time. As I took the exit to the pharmacy I cop flashed his lights to me. Damn it!!!!! I was on the phone!!!!!!!!!!!! Perfect!!!!!! My morning was a fucking nightmare and now I was going to get a ticket.

As it turns out, I didn't get a ticket. Officer Robles came to my window and asked me if my call was very important. I turned and said that if was, that my almost 6 year old daughter was home dying from a brain tumor and had been in pain for two days and that I had been talking to doctors about how to help her. The man practically turned white. He gave me his lamentations and then added that he had first pulled me over because of the massive crack on my windshield. I apologized and said we'd get it fixed. Eventually, he forgave my indiscretions and sent me on my merry way. Who says cops don't have hearts?!?!

I called Yvonne and told her I had gotten pulled over. Just the day before, I had asked her to help me get it replaced but she informed me that Todd had told her to stop and that we should wait until I got pulled over and got a fix-it ticket!!! NICE!!!!!!

Although my morning was shitty, once I got the oxycodone, things slightly improved. First, Nina was elated to see me when I got home. She has been all about Todd these last couple of days and I am so grateful! Todd needs her to need him!

As soon as I saw my honey-girl all I could do was kiss her. As soon as my honey-girl saw me, all she could do was boss me around ;) She wanted Panda and wanted to go shopping for shoes and swim suites! I couldn't have thought of a better replacement behavior!!!!

Don't Go Numb, Just Love

I just got back from a long walk in the freezing cold darkness of the night. I am numb from the cold!! Fitting that I'm now physically numb when earlier today I was emotionally numb.

Our lives keep plummeting into greater sadness!!! Yesterday was the worst day of my life. I thought we were losing Nina right then and there!!!!!!!!! After we got more medication and stabilized her, I went upstairs to take a shower. I had sent a massive group text to family and friends informing them of our heart ache and noting that I was numb from all the pain.

Then unexpectedly I got a reply text with the most glorious of words......

Don't go numb, just love!


Those 5 singular words instantly filled my heart with thankfulness and direction. My friend was right!!! My purpose in this nightmare is to love Nina!!!!! and Teddy, the rest of my family, and all of those around me!!!!!!!!

I am Rosy and the one thing that I can do for sure, irrespective of how nutty I get, is love!!!! I will fight to love and keep the numbness at bay!!

Please pray that we get fortified with strength and courage!!!