Day 117

Sunday December 12, 2010

Today, we leisurely spent the day hanging out and relaxing. The kids ran around outside. Amazingly, Nina did everything she could to keep up. She has so much tenacity, it is wonderful to see. Yvonne was extremely happy to see Nina doing so well and loved spending every moment with her. She, Nina, and Sander played board games on multiple occasions. I loved hearing them all laugh. It had a familiar ring to it, but it also sounded different, more precious!

Nina, Sander and Auntie Yvonne playing Sorry.

Little Artists!!

Yvonne and I had planned last week that we'd do a late breakfast and then a semi-early dinner with a "Groumetten Party" Groumetten (also known as raclette) is a tradition that Yvonne and her Dutch family do regularly. For lack of a better way to describe it, it's a fancier fondue party! Instead of pots of cheese or hot oil, you have this oval hot plate where you can grill meats, veggies and cheeses on the top level or broil them in a cute little pan on the bottom level. Yvonne and Robert completely spoiled us and spent all afternoon cutting, dicing, chopping, and preparing sauces to accompany the feast. We were convinced the kids would love, love this dinner.

Choppin' Robert

Making toffee with Dada! Yum!!

Wrestle Time!

The Grommette dinner was amazing!!! Robert and Yvonne outdid themselves, and the kids.....well....the kids weren't as into it as we thought :) They ate but were done fairly quickly! Go figure! It always seems to work that way. As a parent, you get totally excited to show your kid something.You're convinced your child is going to love it but then they are like whatever. It's a real feel good. Every time this happens with Teddy and Nina, I tell myself I need to call my folks and apologize for every time Bruno and I did that to them :) Oh, the joys of parenting rugrats!!!

Groumetten

Done with dinner....Club Penguin here we come!

Saying goodbye was a nightmare. Niels and Teddy in particular have a very hard time saying goodbye to one another. They are just heartbroken and inevitably there are tears and tantrums :( The boys have been the best of buddies since birth so their bond is extremely deep. We hugged our precious friends goodbye like we do every year after our Christmas weekend but this time....this time it was different. We all hugged with breath abated...not wanting to let go, fearing that if we let go, the beauty and tranquility of this weekend might be hijacked by something awful...something none of us wanted to acknowledge at that moment, but even that act of avoidance made its presence so profound!

We waved goodbye to the Dawsons as the drove off. Teddy was profoundly grumpy! He stomped inside complaining how it was such a short time, how we didn't do anything fun, how it was a lame weekend and how they never get to see each other. I could feel my blood begin to boil. I tried to control my tongue....but alas I didn't! I wonder where my children get their spicy tongues and verbosity from?? I turned to Teddy and told him that I was disappointed that he was behaving so foully. That the grown-ups had worked very hard to create a wonderful, happy weekend and that per usual he was allowing one sad thing (the goodbye) to overshadow all of the good times. I told him that instead of focusing on saying goodbye he should focus on all the good times we had over the last couple of days!

Of course I didn't say this in the most loving of tones! I was irritated and worried at the same time. He is such a cup half-empty kind of kid and that stresses me out just as much as anything else because I fear for the ramifications that kind of attitude will have on his life. I have been pouring myself into this child for 8 years, praying and working diligently for him to learn to cope in a healthy way that won't allow him to slip down into those dark abysses that life throws our way. And now....there was an increased sense of urgency because we were all at the edge of the scariest and darkest abyss known to mankind. Consequently, I start to plummet when I hear him respond these ways. I start freaking out that nothing I am doing is going to help him through the road we may be forced onto!!! Aghhh!!!!!!!!

I really should have left Teddy alone. I need to learn to lay off myself! That is my challenge. I want to fix immediately and sometimes, actually most of the times, things just take time and patience! I am not a patient person!!! God continuously gives me opportunities to work on developing my patience, just like He gives Teddy opportunities to work on his positive attitude, and just like Teddy I struggle immensely!!! If only in the moment I could remind myself that I am just like Teddy but the difference is that he is 8 and is way ahead of the game!!! My fears overcome me and I desperately want to have him prepared. But he is 8!!! He is incredible!!! I am an adult and I'm not prepared. How can any of us ever be fully prepared?!?!?

I really, really should have left Teddy alone! But just like Teddy didn't control his negative attitude, neither did I control my lack of patience. As soon as I snapped at him, Teddy turned to me, furrowed brow and all, and said "There you go again!" Aghhh!!!! I could have screamed! We were both exhausted, physically, emotionally, psychologically. I should have shut my mouth and stopped engaging him but again....butt head mom didn't listen to her gut and persisted. I told him it was absolutely inappropriate that he speak to me that way, to which he added, "Why is it appropriate for you to bother me? I'm just sad! I miss my Niels!" Those words shot through my heart like a thousand searing bullets!!! I am such a jerk!!! is all I could think of! I should have allowed him the room to be sad, to process his emotions before jumping into my REFRAME mode!  Damn it it Rosy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I immediately stopped him and got down to my knees so that we were at eye level. I leaned in closely and told him I was deeply sorry! That he was right. That it is very sad to say goodbye to our friends and that I shouldn't have pushed him and that the reason I did was because I was worried that he not focus so much on the negative. I asked him if he could forgive me and he said yes, still irritated at me, which I couldn't blame him! He then told me he needed "alone time" and went upstairs to his room. I felt sooooo shitty!!! What a louse of a mother!!! Someday Teddy is going to write a book about surviving life with the world's bossiest mom!!! I have a feeling it's going to be a best seller!

About 30 minutes later, Teddy joined Todd and Nina downstairs and played Wii with them. Everyone was tired so bedtime was not particularly challenging. As I put away clothes in his dresser, Teddy reached for me and gave me a hug. He said, "I need some cuddle time with my Mamacita!" No joke!!!! That boy knows how to melt me like no other person on this earth!! We sat on his bean bag and he apologized for being grumpy and confessed that he had a good time but was just sad to say goodbye! I apologized again for being so intense and grumpy myself! I wish I could have just apologized for being a bitch, but that wouldn't quite win me any mother of the year awards, now would it :) I hugged Teddy tightly and kissed his freckled nose. I told him how much I loved him and how proud I was of him. I also told him that sometimes we all mess up; we all get grumpy, but that part of being a family is forgiving one another. I thanked him for forgiving me. He smiled and I kissed those darling lips once again!

Tired honey-girl, tired Dada....Club Penguin so much fun!! Get me more coins Dada!

Around 10pm Teddy called out for us. I was folding laundry. Todd was cuddling with Nina. I went to check on him and he told me he'd had a scary dream......about Batman! Right before bed he had watched a batman cartoon. Now the bad guys were in his head, he explained. I reminded him how he just needed to put another "movie" in his head by thinking about something good, like the fun things he had done with Niels. "I just need you to tickle me." he softly said so I climbed up and tickled his back until he fell asleep. Sometimes a boy just needs his mom to tickle his back!

Day 116

Saturday December 11, 2010

Christmas had arrived!! I've come to realize that the entire month of December is Christmas, one celebration after another, as it should be!

Today, we started our annual Christmas weekend with the Dawsons. Ever since they returned from Holland 5 years ago, we have alternated spending an early Christmas weekend with our families. Last year it was at their home so this year it was at ours. The kids were elated to be together and to open presents. We had such a wonderful time!

Nina got her Dipping Dot Maker, while the three boys all got matching Nerf Guns (courtesy of moi...and to Robert's horror....he gave me the stink eye!). Sarcastically, Yvonne said that we should start a pool about how long it was going to take for one of the boys to start crying that they'd got pegged by the Nerf gun. A twinge of guilt kind of emerged in me....but it quickly dissipated! The boys had the Nerf guns at the top of their wish list; Auntie Rosy is the favorite for a reason :) Unfortunately, Yvonne was quite the prognosticator and within 45 minutes Sander was crying. Dang it!!! Eventually, the Nerf battling got under control and the boys were able to engage in combat without additional causalities.

Nina got everyone she loves a Pillow Pet for Christmas, including Sander, Niels and Teddy!
Pillow Pets for Everyone!!

While the boys played S.W.A.T. Nina relished in her Dipping Dot Maker. Eventually, Sander joined in. The entire contraption was way more complicated than it should have been so the kids eventually decided to skip the machine and just do it by hand. It didn't really matter! All that mattered was that they were having fun!!

After playtime with the Christmas gifts, it was off to the Nutcracker Ballet. The kids actually did decent. They were very interested the first half. As Sander later commented, the first part was the best because of the battle scene! Ha!! Boys!!! The second half was a bit harder to get through. Everyone was a bit wiggly but they made it nonetheless and the mama's were extremely proud.

Later that night as I tickled Nina's back, I reflected on what a gift we were being given. Three months ago I would have thought that this weekend was impossible. But it turned out to be very much possible. Here we were all together. Celebrating the miracle of Christmas with our very own miracle....Miss Nina!!

I Feel Invigorated!!

So... my start to 2011 was, to quote Dr. Slomiany, "A mixed bag!"

After the kids went to bed, I felt great, thankful, joyful. Despite the fact that Nina had developed a headache (remediated quickly with Motrin), she had a lovely evening and went to bed in a good mood. She spent about 15 minutes ordering me to "tickle" here and "scratch" there. I tickled and scratched every inch of that bodacious body, while telling her all the things I love and admire about her. At one point, she was wiggling around a lot so I asked if she wanted me to stop talking (thinking my litany of all the ways I love her was bothering her). Through a yawn she said, "No, you can keep talking. Can you scratch right here.", pointing to a tiny spot between her two shoulder blades. Apparently, all the wiggling was because she didn't know how to reach her "itchy" spot :) Without much more ado, Nina fell asleep. Sweet honey-girl!

I went and checked on the boys and they were both passed out. It was 2am after all. I'd finally trapped them into showering earlier. What is it about little boys and bathing??? They seem to avoid it like the plague. I looked around and smiled, they had picked up their dirty clothes and put them away in the hamper. Good boys!!! I shut the curtains tightly so they could sleep in and took the cat downstairs so he wouldn't disturb them. Everyone was asleep, the house was peaceful.

I made myself a hot cup of coffee and proceeded to write my New Years blog entry. I wrote this entry with great enthusiasm and a sense of contentment. To put it simply, I was filled with immense gratitude for having my children safely in bed and for all the time we'd had with Nina. Every moment has been precious. Fairly quickly, I finished writing and adding the photos to the entry. Then I went to my YouTube site to copy over Nina's New Year message. As I looked through my videos I stumbled on one entitled "Cancer Prayers for Nina". I didn't recognize who had developed it but I clicked on it and then....my world came crashing.

The video is a compilation of photos of Nina and our family, beautifully put together with nice information about DIPG. However, watching this video (put together by a stranger), full of beautiful pictures of our honey-girl, seeing the progression of an "apparent" healthy, vivacious little girl to a child fighting for her life obliterated me from within!!!!!!!!!!!! I instantly started sobbing....not crying....sobbing, loud enough to where I had to cover my mouth with my scarf (yes it was cold and I had a scarf around my neck!). The video is only a few minutes long and I am thankful to whoever put it together but I must have sobbed for at least 20 minutes!!! I haven't cried that intensely and for that long for months!! I just sobbed and sobbed. I couldn't sleep so I edited a bunch of my posts. By the time I went to bed it was 5am, feeling decimated and outright heartbroken.

It shouldn't be a surprise that I didn't sleep well. Everyone slept in super late. By the time I rolled out of bed it was 11am. I went downstairs to the kitchen and what did I find....a smudged streak of shit on the floor, right next to the cat door!!! Perfect!! My new year was starting with SHIT!!! Great!!! Apparently Max (the cat) didn't quite make it to his kitty litter box. Maybe he got into the beer?!?! I called out to Max (wanting to smack him but restraining myself). He came to me from the living room and I started to laugh hysterically! He had Nina's ZuZu pet stuck to his tail!! He must have played with it an gotten the wheels tangled on his fur!! This is why the ZuZu pet comes with a warning to keep away from hair. Too bad Max can't read and follow directions. So after cleaning the shit off the ground and disinfecting the area, I proceeded to cut the ZuZu pet off of Max's tail. Now Max has a huge piece of black fur missing from his tail! Serves him right!!

I took a deep breath and decided to forget about the shit and just proceed with my original plan, make a huge breakfast and then take the kids to Campus Point for a hike. The kids gobbled up their pancakes with strawberries and whipped cream and bacon. Everyone was excited to go on a New Year's hike.

We went to Campus Point. It was slightly windy, but not terrible. Nothing was going to stop Teddy and Silas! They are like two energetic puppies. They just go and go and go!! The boys and Todd climbed up the bank to hike the trails while Nina and I stayed below searching for rocks and shells. After Todd and the boys were out of sight, Nina turned to me and said, "I want to go too Mama!" There is NO mountain too high or valley too low for this girl!!! I didn't hesitate a second! If she wanted to move that mountain then I'd be right there with her!!!

So....first I climbed up the steep hill with the stroller and left it at the top. Then I went back down for Nina. I asked if she wanted me to carry her and she said no. She wanted to walk it herself!!! Amazing will!!! I braced her from behind, holding her steady by bracing her under her armpits. Slowly but surely she climbed up that incline!! At the top, she looked behind her and said, "We did it!" Sweetness!!! She was so happy to have conquered that steep hill!!! I was so proud myself!!! The boys were shocked to see us! Ha!! Nina and I are the world's two most willful girls :)

Nina had an extraordinary time on the hike. The boys raced through the bluffs, crawling around like wild animals, trying to scare us. Periodically, we'd see Teddy's wild hair poking up through the brush....so funny...he looked like a baby porcupine! Once we climbed back down to the beach, we spent quite some time searching for shells and rocks. Teddy was so incredibly sweet to Nina; kept running up to her with beautiful rocks and shells he'd found. At one point, he spontaneously kissed her on the cheek. Nina beamed!!! I complimented him and he grinned from ear to ear, bursting with pride.

Searching for shells and rocks!

Found one!

"Here Nina, this one is pretty."

By the time we got back to the car, I felt invigorated! My first day of 2011 had started off rocky, incredibly, terribly rocky. But like I had posted earlier...happiness is something we choose to create. I just need to keep facing my mountains like Nina does, with sheer, unrelenting will and gumption!!!

Happy New Year: Happiness Is Something We Create

Tonight as I quickly ran to the store to pick up a Duraflame log and some matches, I heard a line from a country song that struck me like a bolt of lightening. Instantly I knew what my New Year's blog entry would be!

The line was "Happiness is something we create." This is so very true! God gives us this one life, full of opportunities. It's up to us to make it a good and meaningful one!!! Even in the middle of my own personal tsunami, I CHOOSE to create happiness, even if it only lasts a few seconds!!! Nina has blessed me with this realization and I hope and pray that she blesses everyone reading these words with the same gift!!! Happy 2011!!! May it be filled with love, blessings, gratitude, health, and may we all choose to create happiness in our own lives!!!

Rib dinner with Teddy, Silas, and Becchio Boys! Yum!!

After Dinner Siesta!

Smores!!!!

Newfound Energy!!! Thank You Smores!

Happy 2011 From Teddy & Silas!

A Happy New Year Message from Nina!

Day 115

Friday December 10, 2010

The kids woke up fervently excited....the Dawsons were coming....the Dawsons were coming!!! For them, the day couldn't pass by quickly enough....the Dawsons were coming and they could hardly contain their exubberance!

While Teddy was at school, my neighbor Sharon watched Nina for a couple of hours so that I could have lunch with my friend Pat. Pat and her husband had lost their daughter unexpectedly when she was 18 months old during heart surgery. At the time, their oldest was 6 years old. Pat and I cried over our lunches at Marmalade Cafe. We each shared the myriad of emotions that had and continue to occupy our minds and hearts. Pat listened and sweetly offered her experience and what they would do differently. No one knows how to go through these awful journeys. Bottom line, there is no guidebook! Of all the things that Pat said, the thing that struck me the most was her confessing that she had forgotten things about Elizabeth. She said that if Elizabeth had lived, she would be 23 years old today and then she explained that as hard as she tried, time wears on memories and things are forgotten. Tears just cascaded down my face. I don't want to forget a single thing about Nina!! After I hugged Pat goodbye, I sat in my car for a good long while....sobbing!!! What we are going through is awful, terrible, hideous....but forgetting my child....nothing could be worse. I DON'T want to forget a single thing! That is why I am obsessively documenting everything, taking a million photos and videos. I don't want to forget her smile, her laughter, her silliness, her sass, her tantrums, her tenacity!!! I don't want to forget her smell!!! Most of all, I don't want to forget her smell! I felt like Mt. Everest was on my chest!!! I couldn't breathe!!! I just sobbed. Then my alarm rang. It was time to pick up Teddy!! I wiped my tears and drove. I have no other option but to always wipe my tears!!!!

I picked up Teddy and the kids resumed their excitement about the Dawsons coming. The Dawsons were coming. The Dawsons were coming! In the meantime, Teddy gave Nina a gift he had bought her at school, a penguin drawing. He was so proud of himself. He had used 44 Checchio Bucks (money he earns in the classroom for good behavior) to purchase the prized drawing for his precious sister. He beamed! I was so proud of him. His love for her shined! What an incredible boy!



Promptly at 6:00pm, the Dawsons arrived! Happiness filled our home instantaneously!! Teddy took Niels upstairs to see his new room. Sander chatted Nina's ear off. Robert and Todd did their man thing...hello, shake hands, grab a beer. Yvonne and I hugged!! We hugged each other tightly, as if we hadn't seen each other in years. In many respects, it felt like light years since I had last seen Yvonne!!

With the kids playing and the father's sipping their beers, Yvonne and I went to pick up dinner at our mutually favorite Thai Restaurant, Your Place Thai Food. While we waited for our order, I confided in Yvonne the realization that I had experienced the previous night. I explained how we are so sad ourselves that we've lost sight that it is Nina who will get the shortest end of the stick! If she is not healed, then she will never excel in school, she will never form friendships that will stand the test of time, she will never go to 6th grade camp, she will never be an "ego-centric" junior higher, she will never PMS and have to learn to keep herself in check, she will never fall in love, she will never go to college, she will never get married, and she will never have her own children because all of these opportunities will be stolen from her!!! Yvonne concurred that this was the greatest tragedy of all, not our own pain of potentially having to live without her, but that she will not get to experience life herself!!! We cried. We held hands and we cried!!!! Then we returned home to a house full of happy children so we laughed, we smiled, and we were thankful!!

Day 114

Thursday December 9, 2010

Again, Nina had insomnia...this time 2-4am. At least it's predictable:)

What wasn't predictable was how happy Teddy was when he woke up! I was convinced he was going to wake up a beast because he had gone to bed so late! But when I woke him up, peanut butter toast on hand, he sat straight up (craziest bed head ever!!! I love it!!!) and said in the cheeriest of voices, "Good morning Mama!" I totally laughed because I was caught so off guard. I had been bracing myself for WWIII as I walked up the stairs! Instead of an armada, I met a sweet, peaceful boy! My day was starting off great! Thank God!!

As we drove to school, Teddy and I made plans for the Dawsons upcoming visit. Teddy was elated about his best buddy Niels coming to visit. I knew he'd have specific things he'd want to do. Consequently,  I wanted advance notice so we could prepare. Mainly, he wanted to go on adventures with Niels and asked if he and Niels could go on a hike to the "fort" (this abandoned club house in a field near our home) by themselves. Lately, Teddy has wanted to do more things on his own and Yvonne tells me that Niels is going through the same thing. It's totally developmentally appropriate, but for us "moms" it is still sad :( We are no longer the center of the universe for our boys, we are no longer the most beautiful girls they know, and we are no longer who the want to be with the most. When you're a child, these "clingy" parental moments are annoying. But as an adult and parent yourself, you lament having been annoyed at your own parent because now you understand that longing and tinge of sadness.

Once out of the car, Teddy took my hand. All of last year he refused to hold my hand or hug me when I dropped him off. Since November, he has been increasingly affectionate with me in public. He has held my hand almost every morning and will hug me for sure. I love it! I am so grateful for these moments! This feeling of gratitude then overcame me. I started thinking about how I've raced through most of my adult life, really without being genuinely thankful for the moments I have with everyone around me. I thought about Nina and how I am grateful for each additional minute we've been given with her. Each smile, laugh, stink eye, smack, sass, comment, question has been a blessing. I just don't understand why I get so caught up in the stupid things that I can't see that beauty in every interaction with my children, even when they are tantrumming for flat out being butt heads!

After dropping off Teddy, Holly and I did our usual morning check in. I told her what I had been thinking about, how grateful I was for Nina and how if I had to do it all over again, I would! I would still marry Todd and have Teddy and Nina because a world without Teddy and Nina would not be complete. Most importantly, I would still have Nina even knowing that I'd go through this inhumane, torturous pain. I would sign up for this pain every single day just for the opportunity to hug her. Holly hugged me tightly, tears welling in her beautiful big blue eyes, and agreed with me. She said that in spite of all of the pain, we are lucky, we are blessed for having had Nina. Nina is already our miracle!!! That much everyone can agree on. We just need to see each and every one of our children in that light!!! Nina is teaching me that on a daily basis!

When I returned home, Nina declared we needed "new" food. This has become her catch phrase as of late. Whenever she is craving something to eat but doesn't really know what, she commands that we form a search party and go gallivanting through exotic countries in search of the perfect morsel. And so....off we went to Vons (so much for exotic lands....although Vons does important foods from exotic lands....like Texas....good ole El Paso Salsa :).....okay just joking....I apologize to anyone from Texas and the people from El Paso Salsa company! I'm overloaded on caffeine!). Anyway, we went to Vons and what tidbit did my Queen pick.....cereal! She was delighted! That is all that matters to me!

I do have to confess that a large bowl of sweet cereal and cold milk at noon is a lovely lunch! Nina, per usual, nailed it! She was very proud of herself until she spilled some milk on her clothes and threw a fit because I had put too much cereal in bowl :) Go figure! Fortunately, she recovered quickly and I changed her into a comfy Tinkerbell nightgown. She looked darling. I took advantage of her regained cheerful mood and took a few more photos of her with "Teddy gifts". My favorite one so far is the one below. We found this piece of artwork at a local store called Imagine (which is amazing...my mother-in-law is addicted and spends half of her visit with us inside :)....just joking....it's more like a third!). I love everything about this photo: how happy Nina is talking about her brother, that she is holding a Wii remote controller, that she is wearing a Tinkerbell nightgown and that the art work says Every day I love you! That sentiment is sooo true! Nina has loved her brother every day since the moment she was born!

As I took the photos and then restarted the Wii Play video game for Nina, I found myself getting really sad. I quietly redirected myself by tidying the living room. I have become quite the expert at redirecting myself when necessary.

Before long, it was time to pick up Teddy. I arrived "on-time", which to Teddy means 1-3 minutes before the bell rings, so technically it means that I'm there "early". To my delight, he greeted me with a tremendous smile. He then proceeded to ask if he could walk home. He's been asking me to do this for weeks now. I compromised and said he could walk half way home and that I'd follow with the car. I wasn't sure if he'd go for it but he did. He was sooo proud of himself! I was proud of him too!! He is trying to become more independent and this is good for him and his anxiety!

Around 3:45pm, Crystal came over to hang out with the kids while I joined Todd at a bereavement counseling session at the Santa Barbara Hospice Center. I was so thankful that Todd had made the appointment. Bottom line, like I have told Todd and everyone else in our lives, I don't pretend to think that the way I am coping is the right way for everyone else. All I know is that every single adult that is involved in this journey needs to be preparing not just for Nina's healing but the potential that she may go to Heaven instead. As adults, we need to seek guidance, support, and make sure that we are coping in a "healthy" manner. It is awful.... but it is what it is!

In summary, the counseling session went great! We discussed our fears about Teddy and how to help him cope. Todd's biggest concern is that Teddy's heart will harden towards God. I completely understand why he is concerned. Teddy has been praying for Nina the entire time and if she is not healed he may lose all faith in God. I explained that although I have a similar fear, I think what will impact Teddy the most in this area will be how we help him re-frame the situation. In other, if we have to lose Nina then I believe the focus should be on how Nina was our miracle, that knowing her and having had her in our lives was the greatest of blessings! For me, this is truth not just something I say to make myself feel better. It is an excruciatingly painful truth but it is the truth nonetheless!! The counselor thought we were on track with Teddy and suggested that we continue doing what we've been doing. Furthermore, he added that reframing was going to be essential for Teddy. Bottom line....reframing is going to be essential for EVERYONE!!!

We returned home to find tutoring up and going. Crystal joined us for dinner and it was nice to spend a few minutes catching up with her, having an adult conversation that did not pertain to treatment, prognosis, hope, and/or sadness. That night, after I tucked Teddy into bed, I went and lay next to Nina who was sleeping sweetly, cuddled up next to her Dada. I watched her breath peacefully. Then it hit me like lightening!!!!! I have been so consumed by my own grief and the grief of those around me that I failed to recognize that who looses out the most here is Nina!!! If she is not healed, it is she who looses out on life, not us!!! I could hardly breathe!! I gently crawled out of bed and sat outside for a few minutes, trying to regain composure. All this time, I had been so wrapped up by my own pain and my fear that I failed to see the blinding truth! I am not the one who is sick, it is Nina! I am not the one who is dying, it is Nina!!! I am not the one whose life may be tragically cut short, it is Nina!! I am not the one who will miss out on living, it is Nina!!!! I was so overcome that I didn't even have the energy to cry or move! I just sat. Frozen. Heartbroken. Aware for the first time! Sure, if there isn't healing, Nina gets to go to Heaven and spend eternity with God but she will miss out on all the blessings (and sadness) of this life!!! I sat quietly. Frozen. Heartbroken.

Longing

December 31, 2010

I woke up this morning after dreaming about my niece Adelae. I don't remember much about the dream other than that we were shopping and couldn't find the "perfect" pair of boots. There was nothing particularly noteworthy about this dream. In fact, it was pretty much a summary of what we did yesterday. What jolted me about this dream was not the content but the emotions behind it. Longing!!! Longing!!! Longing!!!

Yesterday early afternoon, Nina, Addie, and I went shopping. Addie needed some new frames for her prescription glasses. Afterwards we went hunting for some boots for Adelae. Nina proclaimed that she also wanted shoes...she wanted "pretty ones"! The girl has an obsession with shoes and has more pairs than I do! I suppose I have happily fed this obsession over the years :) There is nothing quite like little girl's shoes. They are irresistible!!

Well, it turned out that we didn't quite find what we were looking for but we found some fun clothes for Adelae and Nina chose a new rainbow hair brush at Claire's. As I watched Adelae search the racks of clothing for something "cute" and try on boots, my heart started sinking and it began to pound to a sad beat of longing. I felt that altogether lump rise and seat itself in the hollow of my throat.

I found myself longing for all the things that I may lose if Nina has to go to Heaven. I longed for silly shopping with her, for her learning to read and write, for hearing all the stories she has to tell (she has a fabulous imagination). I found myself longing to see her fall in love for the first time and help her recuperate after her first heart-break. Would I get the opportunity to listen to depressing, post-break up Kelly Clarkson and Celine Dion music, pour heartache over a tub of ice-cream and redirect her emotions with a fabulous shopping trip? I found myself longing to see her flourish in her academics, see her find her passion in life, and get her first job. Most of all, I found myself longing to seeing Nina grow into a beautiful young woman who loves God and blesses all around her!

I studied Adelae closely, noticing her new pre-teen mannerisms. She is changing, growing intellectually and emotionally. Earlier in the day while she read her novel for an upcoming book report, Adeale came and asked me to explain a couple of paragraphs. I loved discussing the author's implications with Adelae and hearing her thought processes. Now, I found myself lamenting the fact that I may not have this opportunity with Nina!! Longing!!!! Longing!!!! Longing!!!!

So many times over the years, myself and others in our families have commented on the "nightmare" of adolescence and how we wished we could send our kids away during that period of development. Ohhh how I take those words back!! I would give anything to "deal" with Nina's PMS and "annoying" adolescent attitude. Longing!!!! Longing!!!! Longing!!!!